Stay Awake With Me
by ShadowLordCC
Summary: Destiel College!AU Cas is having crazy dreams about someone he's only met the once, but desperately wants to get to know.
1. Random and Attractive

The first time Castiel had a dream about Dean, it was short and confusing. He'd been an angel. Of course, he hadn't been able to see himself so he couldn't say he'd looked like anything other than himself. The dream had been chaotic and Cas' heart rate had soared sky high. He remembered flashes of the dream. A red, blistering handprint, seemingly endless chains and hooks in flesh. He remembered blood, and screaming, and Dean.

And that was it. That was the first dream. There had been no talking and no hint at a storyline. Cas woke up, groggy and a bit dizzy. He remembered every detail at first, but as he staggered out into the hallway, everything just slipped away.

"Wow Cas, I didn't think you existed before nine am," Balthazar laughed and punched Castiel's shoulder as he walked off towards the stairs.

By this time, Cas could only remember parts of the dream. He was utterly perplexed as to why he was dreaming of someone he'd only met once… And it hadn't even been a nice once.

Cas had knocked into Dean on his way to class and sent a pile of… things clashing to the ground. Dean had shouted at Castiel, picked his things up and shoved past angrily. That was it. That was the day Castiel had met Dean Winchester.

"You okay?" Balthazar stopped and turned around, raising an eyebrow.

"Of course," Cas mumbled. "I just had a weird dream."

Balthazar nodded and headed off again.

Cas rubbed at his eyes and went back into his room. He flopped down onto the bed and let his eyes droop shut.

Castiel woke up later on, at a more decent time (eleven am was a much more Castiely weekend wakeup time), in desperate need of caffeine.

He walked off campus and down the street without really realising where he was headed, but there he was, standing outside a small, white building, the words 'Instant Ambition' painted on the front window in swirly writing.

"Morning, Anna!" Cas called as he stalked up to the counter of his favourite little coffee shop.

"You want the usual?" Anna grinned, knowing the answer would be yes, and set about getting Castiel's coffee.

Cas dug his hands deep into the pockets of his coat and sat in one of the stools. There was a soft tinkling of bells as the door opened and voices were soon booming around the small shop, pulling Cas from his thoughts. Cas rolled his eyes. Great. Now he couldn't even hear himself think.

The chattering voices moved up to Castiel's right, but he didn't turn or move away. He pulled a notepad and a pen from his pocket. He stared down at the blank page in front of him and put the pen in his mouth, chewing on it as he always did.

There was a roar of laughter right next to his ear and he spun around. "Can you please be quiet?" He shouted and the laughing stopped almost instantly.

Dean was glaring down at him. "You got a problem buddy?" He asked, smirking and adjusting the collar of his leather jacket.

Cas stared right back. "I can't hear myself think in here," he mumbled, grabbed the coffee that Anna was holding out to him and stalked over into the corner.

"Sorry, dude!" Dean called out and turned back to have a rather more hushed conversation with his pals.

Cas still couldn't think properly. His eyes kept flickering in Dean's direction, because although he hadn't made the best first impression, there was something about him that captured Castiel's attention entirely. Maybe it was the dream. Cas didn't usually dream about people he didn't know. And he didn't know Dean. Not at all. He wouldn't even know his name if he hadn't overheard his friends chatting away the day after his first Winchester encounter.

That night, Castiel had another dream. Cas had walked rather epically into a falling apart barn. Dean had been standing there. He'd struck out at Cas, but the knife didn't hurt him. And that was all he could remember. It bothered Cas, only being able to remember little bits of his dreams. He supposed it wasn't not remembering…. It was forgetting…. If that made any sense at all.

Cas tugged on his tan trench coat and once again staggered out into the hallway. It was the coat that he always wore in his dreams. It was the coat that had once belonged to his father. There's was no echoing of Balthazar's English accent to greet Cas that morning, and Castiel was glad for the absence of his booming voice.

He hadn't planned on skipping class, but somehow Cas found his feet carrying him farther and farther away from campus. He was headed for the park. It was usually quiet at this time of day, and Cas loved the peace. He couldn't write in the overcrowded café.

"Hey, Cas," Anna sat down on the bench next to him and tried to sneak a peek at his notepad.

He twisted away from her and grinned as she pulled her best wounded puppy face.

"Fine then, grumpy," she laughed and leaned back, resting her hands behind her head.

Cas rolled his eyes and crossed out what he'd been writing. It didn't sound right anymore. With Anna whistling softly beside him, Cas switched to doodling in the back of the note book. Just as he got a human head shape scribbled down, the book was sent flying out of his hands and a heaving, panting mass of fluff leaped onto his lap.

The dog barked loudly and Cas cringed back into the park bench.

Anna cracked up laughing.

Castiel scowled at her as he pushed the dog off of him.

"Sorry dude, he's overly friendly sometimes.. and he seems to enjoy irritating people who are deep in thought…"

Cas looked up.

A hand was sticking out, Castiel's note book waving in front of his face. When Cas didn't take it from him, Dean let it fall into the man's lap.

"I'm not a big fan of animals," Cas mumbled, smoothing out the crinkled pages.

"How is that even possible?" Dean asked grabbing hold of his dog's collar and hauling him back.

Cas shrugged, but didn't say anything.

Dean raised his eyebrows and shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "His name's Bones," he said in an obvious attempt to keep the conversation going.

"And what is your name?" Cas asked though he knew already. It felt only right to have the man introduce himself properly rather than letting him think he was some sort of stalker.

"I'm Dean." He huffed and the dog tried to pull him back. It was surprising that someone so muscled and strong-looking could be overpowered by a fluffy golden dog.

Castiel nodded. "Animals are messy. They're loud and they empty their bowels all over the place."

"So I don't get to know your name? That's nice…"

"Cas!" Anna butted in, reaching out a hand to stroke the dog. "His name's Cas."

Dean raised his eyebrow and rocked back on his heels slightly. "Nice to meet you too," he said to Anna, who then introduced herself.

Cas kept sketching away, trying to ignore the big dog that was sniffing his foot.

"So, Cas…"

"Castiel," he corrected him.

"Right… Whatever, Cas," he smiled smugly and walked off again, letting the golden retriever shoot out in front of him.

Anna sighed. "He's cute," she said nudging Cas playfully.

Cas rolled his eyes. "Not my type," he said and continued the picture he'd been drawing before. Dean seemed as straight as... well, something very straight.

Anna leaned over his shoulder annoyingly. "You know… That kind of looks like him… only…. More sad…"

Cas held the page in front of him and blushed when he noticed the resemblance. He did look sad…

"You going to go to class any point today?" she stuck her tongue out and hauled him to his feet.

Castiel yelped in surprise and stumbled around a bit. "I wasn't planning on it…"

"What were you going to do? Sit in the park all day and bump into more random and attractive men?" Anna ran a hand through her long red hair as Cas rubbed at the back of his neck in that way he did when he was embarrassed.

"Leave me alone," he huffed, dug his hands deep into the trench coat pockets and stalked back towards campus.

Every night since that second dream, Castiel had laid down his note book and a pen on his bedside table. He didn't want to forget the dreams. They seemed so complicated and interesting. Three days passed without another of those curious dreams and Cas let thoughts of Dean wash away, getting replaced by poems, scribbles and essays. He almost forgot that Dean existed. That was, until he walked straight into a pole on his way to Anna at the café.

He'd been focussing on a small twig caught in his shoe laces and when he'd looked up, it had been too late. Cas walked into the metal pole, a searing pain spreading through his forehead as he wobbled and crashed to the ground.

"That was impressive," Dean was leaning against a wall, arms folded in front of his chest.

"I'm glad you think so," Castiel muttered and struggled back to his feet, head spinning. He dusted off his pants and frowned at a small graze on his hand. The dreams came flooding back in a hurry and Cas found himself blushing.

"You okay? Umm…it's Cas, right?" Dean pushed off from the wall and came a bit closer.

"Castiel." The nickname was for friends and Dean wasn't a friend yet.

"Where are you headed?"

"Anna works at that little café…"

"I was going there too!" Dean grinned a cheesy grin and hopped lightly down the steps.

Cas followed behind in silence. "You know, you were not very nice to me when we first met…"

Dean looked over his shoulder curiously. "I didn't mean for the dog to.."

"No, not then. I bumped into you last week… knocked some bits of metal out of your hand…"

Dean nodded. "Car parts," he said. "No one gets between me and fixing my baby."  
"How is a car even remotely like a baby?"

Dean snorted into a short burst of laughter, soft lines streaking away from the corner of his eyes.

Cas cocked his head to the side. He didn't understand what was so funny.

Dean's laugh became a little more breathless. "You're serious?"

Cas shrugged and picked up his pace. "We going to get coffee, or not?"

"Are you asking me out? I mean… you seem like a nice guy and all but I don't…" Dean lost it again. Was everything funny to this man?

Cas rolled his eyes and Dean continued to laugh at him. This guy was cheesy and fake. It didn't seem to Castiel that there was anything real about him except maybe the love he had for his car.

Cas entered the café in front of Dean, and received an excited shout from Anna who immediately began preparing his order. "Wait," Cas said as he reached the counter.

Anna looked up in surprise.

"Get him whatever he's having too, would you?" Cas jerked his thumb behind him and the bell tinkled and Dean came in.

When Anna stood on her toes and asked Dean what he wanted, he just shrugged. "Surprise me. Anything with caffeine will do."

Anna nodded and continued with the task at hand.

Castiel paid and sat in the far corner of the room, almost wishing that Dean would stay away.

No such luck. Dean sighed as he sat down opposite Cas. He began tapping out a rhythm on his knees and yawned loudly.

Cas clenched his jaw and focussed on the wall just to the side of Dean's head. "So… Where's the dog today?"

"Who, Bones? He's my little brothers," Dean smiled. "Sam couldn't take care of him and I said I'd look after him."

Cas nodded as the uncomfortable silence encompassed him. The quiet was deafening. He wished that there was someone else in the café. Anyone, who would relieve the awkwardness of the situation.

Dean rubbed a hand over his mouth and smiled to himself absent-mindedly.

Cas watched him curiously. His brown hair was cut short and gelled up slightly, but not too much. His black t shirt was tight (Castiel could see the network of muscles beneath it) and he had a strange golden necklace hanging from a black string around his neck. Cas blushed and averted his eyes, suddenly all too aware of his own appearance. He was sitting there with his trench coat too big and the blue button-up shirt beneath it felt strangely too formal. He scratched at the back of his neck then and nearly exploded with relief as Anna came over balancing three cups of coffee on a tray.

She set them down and dragged a chair over so that she could sit down too.

"Thanks, Anna," Cas smiled and took a sip of the smooth, milky brown beverage.

"No one else is in here and I think I deserve a bit of a break!" She announced and she grabbed her own coffee.

"I didn't think you were allowed to do that…" Castiel mumbled quietly.

Anna snorted. "I'm not! But it's a stupid rule!"

Dean grinned.

Cas sighed. Anna seemed intent on breaking every rule set before her that she deemed 'stupid'. She did hardly any of her class work (just enough to scrape through) and spat in the drinks of people she didn't like. She just had a problem with being told what she could and couldn't do.

"So, Dean, where are you from?" Anna asked and fluttered her pretty hazel eyes at the man.

Cas' insides twinged. There was no way that Dean wouldn't fall for those eyes. Cas frowned slightly, the smallest of creases forming between his eyebrows. Why did her care?

"Lawrence, Kansas," one side of Dean's mouth stretched upwards, almost leaving the other side behind completely as his tongue poked out from between his teeth.

Cas looked down at his coffee. It was ridiculous how complicated that smile was. Cas frowned again and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. He didn't entirely understand why he was suddenly so nervous.

"So, where'd the name Castiel come from?" Dean asked.

When Cas finally looked up, he found Dean leaning over the table slightly, as if he were at the edge of his seat in excitement.

Anna was gone. She'd left Cas to deal with this by himself. This was exactly the type of situation that he usually avoided. At all costs.

"Um… I… uhhh…. Castiel is the name of an angel….. The angel of Thursdays," Cas said, trying to sound confident as his eyes flickered around the room, panicked.

"What's so special about Thursdays?" He was doing that funny half smile again and when Castiel opened his mouth to speak, he found nothing coming out.

He coughed and cleared his throat. "Nothing really… I actually hate Thursdays."

Dean looked at him quizzically.

"You go to bed that night, with the realisation that you still have one more day before the weekend. It's like Thursday is just teasing you about it by throwing another whole day in the mix." Cas somehow found himself staring straight into Dean's eyes. They were a mesmerizing hazel green, though when the sunlight came in through the window, Castiel could swear he saw an odd flash of blue.

Dean chuckled and played with the packet of sugar that was now, nearly destroyed, but unused.

Cas couldn't help but smile. "I know, it's ridiculous."

Dean shook his head. "It actually makes perfect sense," he seemed to take an almost shaky breath as he rested his elbows on the polished, marble-looking table.

After a long, peaceful moment of silence (in which Cas found himself unable to tear his gaze from Dean's face), Anna came back. She was grumpy now, as she always was when someone told her to do something.

Both men jumped as she sat down in the chair and Anna smiled guiltily, as if she felt bad for interrupting their silence.

Cas yawned. "I better get going…."

Dean looked confused.

"I have class," he said and scraped his chair back to stand.

Dean's face fell slightly. "Oh…."

"Don't you have class Dean?" Anna asked cheerfully, eyes sparkling.

"No uhh…. I don't actually… umm….. I dropped out of school… years ago. I'm only here because Sammy's here."

Castiel assumed that Sammy was Dean's little brother and nodded in understanding. He left then, without a word, turning around momentarily at the doorway to smile and wave a hand lazily before he headed out into the cold.

He couldn't concentrate in class. His favourite teacher's words were going in one ear and out the other. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the grinning, sparkly eyed man he'd been thinking about so much lately.


	2. Intentions of Spying

Once Cas started thinking about Dean, he couldn't stop. He saw a dog and thought of Dean and that fluffy beast that had attacked him. He drank coffee in the cafeteria and wished that he was sitting in a comfortable silence with Dean smiling to himself across from him. Cas went through classes without really paying attention. His professors all asked him if he was feeling okay and he nodded and smiled at them as he wandered off, head in the clouds.

Once again, Cas was dreaming of Dean. There was a sense of urgency in the dreams. As if Cas had to protect Dean from something very big and very bad. He didn't know what, but the events in his dreams were quickly taking a bad turn. Cas and Dean were fighting. Then they weren't talking, and when Cas woke up, his cheeks were wet with tears and he was panting.

As he pulled himself out of the bed, he groaned and lifted up his shirt. His stomach was patchy and bruised and looking around the room, he noticed a few things had fallen from their usual places. Cas got dressed and limped outside.

Balthazar sat in the hallway, drinking from a flask, a silly look on his face. Drunk already. "Wow… you look like crap," he said and Cas just rolled his eyes and staggered past.

He prodded at his stomach as he walked, wondering if he should put an Ice pack on it or something. He decided against the idea. He'd just go for a walk until he felt better.

"Hey, angel boy!"

Cas turned around as he walked towards the café, trying to ignore the cold that came along with forgetting to wear a jacket.

Dean was smiling and sauntering across the road towards him, earning an angry honk from a car that he forced to stop. He chuckled as he got to the other side and clapped his hand on Castiel's shoulder.

"Hello Dean," Cas said and felt his ears burning.

"You okay, Cas?"

"Castiel."

"Right…. Yeah…. Um… You look like you're in pain…"

Cas shifted his gaze, staring down at the plain old concrete path. "I just had a rough night." He winced and shivered at the same time and his teeth began to chatter.

Dean smiled softly and gave him a little nudge. "Come on, want to see my baby?" He grinned mischievously as he tugged lightly on Castiel's sleeve. He looked like a little kid, eager to show off a new toy.

Dean's 'baby' was sitting in a garage with a small store out the front. Dean announced that it was his. Well, he worked there anyway, by himself most of the time. The car was black and shiny and was blasting classic rock when Dean and Cas arrived.

"It's… uh… nice…." Cas mumbled. He didn't know anything about cars.

"She's beautiful!" Dean rubbed the bonnet of the car affectionately. "1967 Chevy Impala," he said and looked up at Cas as if for approval.

Cas took a step back. His foot landed on a tube of metal and he slipped, crashing back into the work bench and sending things flying.

Dean burst out laughing and held out a hand to pull him up.

Cas took hold of it, but when he tried getting to his feet, he merely succeeded in falling back down again, dragging Dean down with him. Cas laughed breathlessly as Dean hovered over him, his eyes raking up and down his body. Cas took a deep shaky breath and tried to calm his heart, which was rapidly speeding up. He half closed his eyes and lifted his head up a bit so that he was closer to Dean.

Dean rolled to the side, panting slightly, and eyes wide. "Let's try that again, shall we?" he whispered, a smile in his voice. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, streaking oil along it.

Cas couldn't help but smile.

"Oh and hey," Dean said, glancing at Cas out of the corner of his eye. "Happy Thursday, Cas." He smiled. A smile so warm Cas was afraid that his insides would go all mushy. Cas shivered and got to his feet. His teeth began chattering again, and they didn't stop. "You're not going to correct me?"

"For what?" Cas tipped his head on the side, puzzled.

"I called you Cas…" Dean smiled smugly.

"So you did… I guess I don't mind… I let my friends use my nickname…" He was quiet, but Dean heard him.

Dean shook his head, a smile stretching across his face. "Let's go get you some place warm," he said and they headed to the café.

The full realisation of what was going on smacked into Cas as Dean ushered him along the footpath. He'd called Dean a friend. Dean was his friend. Attractive, strong, mechanic Dean could now walk around saying that he was friends with Castiel.

It started to rain as they walked. Light rain, slowly drenching the pair. They hurried into the café and Dean ran his hands through his hair, letting droplets of water fly in all directions.

"CASTIEL! Where have you been? You said you'd be here early!" Anna shrieked and leapt over the counter, throwing her arms around the man who stood in the doorway, stunned.

Cas smiled guiltily. "I bumped into Dean and well…" his hand went to the back of his neck and he looked away.

Dean grinned at Anna. He stepped closer to her. "Hey, can I talk to you for a second?" he whispered into her ear. He obviously didn't expect that Cas could hear him… but he could.

Castiel stayed in the café well after Dean had left. "So what did you guys talk about?" He asked after finally re-joining his friend. She and Dean had whispered privately for what felt like an eternity. Then Dean had left and Cas had suddenly had the urge to throw something at the wall.

Anna shrugged. "He asked me if I'd go to this party thing with him."

Cas felt his stomach drop. "And uh…. What did you say?"

"I said yes," she raised an eyebrow. "What is it to you anyway?"

It was Cas' turn to shrug. He scratched at a bug bite on his arm and tried his best not to care. But Dean was going out with Anna, and that hurt.

The mere thought of Anna and Dean being along together was enough to make his stomach churn. Cas got up, flashed a smile in Anna's direction and headed back out into the cold, kicking at the ground angrily.

After a while, he decided to ask Anna a bit more about the party. He pulled out his phone and sent her a message.

_Sorry I left like that. Really needed to go to the bathroom. Where's the party? _

_*sigh* I'll only tell you because I know you hate parties like that. Promise you won't mention it to anyone else?_

_I promise._

Anna texted him back the details and Cas thanked her. He didn't know what he was planning to do, but he was definitely not alright with his best friend going out with a man he'd just met.

It was strange that she was attracted to him at all actually… She'd been the one to point out how good looking he was to Cas… Then again, it may not have meant what Castiel had assumed it to mean.

The next night, at the very last minute, Cas decided to go to the party. He was alone. He wouldn't have come at all if he hadn't had the intention of spying on Dean and Anna. Flashing lights could be seen from a mile away, and Cas felt a bit woozy as soon as he entered the building.

There were people everywhere. Dancing, standing around or pressed up against a wall, about to do something they would regret.

Cas shuffled to the stairs and moved up a few, looking around for a flash of Anna's red hair, or Dean's leather jacket.

The people bumped and grinded against each other in a way that should not be called dancing as the music pulsed through every fibre in of the house.

He sighed and moved from the stairs to enter the fray. It was a suicide mission and he knew it. Thankfully, the song ended, replace by a much softer one. The people around him slowed down and Cas looked at them.

He saw Dean then. His arms were wrapped tightly around Anna and hers around him. Anna was smiling as if she was daydreaming and Dean was staring vacantly over her shoulder.

As Castiel watched, Anna pulled Dean's face down to hers and kissed him. Dean kissed back. Cas' breath caught and he felt a bit light headed. Since when did kissing affect him like this? _Since it's Dean kissing _, his brain reminded him. He felt sick. And dizzy. Like he was going to pass out. People whizzed past him in a blur, bumping into him and jostling him around. The swarm of bodies closed in on him. He collapsed, finding it difficult to breathe.

"Cas?!" The voice was loud, even with the music filling Castiel's head.

Cas tried to find its source, but all he could see were legs and feet. The world spun once again and he crumpled in on himself, head smacking against the floor as he blacked out.

-

"What were you even doing there Castiel?" Anna asked, her tone sad.

Cas blinked away the last of the fuzziness and opened his eyes.

Anna sat over him and Dean stood behind her.

Cas pushed himself into a sitting position and looked down at the red bug bite on his arm. He didn't want to have to speak right now. He didn't trust his mouth.

"Dude, you okay?" Dean sounded so concerned that when Cas looked up, all he could see was Dean. It was as if Anna wasn't there at all.

"I'm alright. Thank you for your concern," he nodded, not taking his eyes away from Dean's.

Dean smiled and Cas felt as he would burst. Everything was green eyes and smiles, throaty chuckles and light and Castiel was lost, but a good lost… the kind of lost where you never wanted to be found.

Anna eyed him suspiciously. "You should have said something," she hissed when left to piss.

Cas jolted back into reality and turned to his friend. "Huh?"

"Why didn't you tell me that you like him?!"

"I… I don't…" even as he said it, Cas knew it was a bad lie.

Anna rolled her eyes. "God, I feel awful now! I mean I kissed him! Ugh."

Cas frowned. He remembered the ache that had spread through his body at the sight of them kissing. It was confusing. It was certainly nothing he had ever felt before. He didn't LIKE, like Dean did he? Well… maybe he did…. "I don't…"

"You so do!"

Castiel knitted his fingers together and looked at his best friend with that calm expression that he was so good at. "I doubt I'm his type anyway," he said before zipping his lip as Dean came back in. His stomach tied itself in knots and he prayed that Dean hadn't heard him. It was difficult to tell.

"I'll drive you both home," Dean said tossing his keys in the air and catching them again.

Cas got to his feet. Two sets of eyes were on him as he swayed momentarily.

Anna smiled once he was steady and headed out the door.

Cas looked around the room. It hadn't occurred to him that he was still at the party. He'd assumed that he was at his, or Anna's, or even Dean's. Cas took a wobbly step forward and his legs felt so much like jelly, that they just fell out from underneath him.

Dean caught his arm before he crashed to the floor. "Do I have to carry you?" He asked, a smile playing at his lips, but a very serious look in his eyes.

Cas' cheeks burned and he shook his head furiously.

Dean grinned and swept Castiel off his feet.

"No. Dean! Dean, I can walk!" He shouted, but Dean happily ignored him as he whistled and carried Cas as if he weighed nothing.

Anna burst out laughing when she saw them. Tears formed in her eyes as her laughing went quiet and she had to lean against the wall for support. The booming of the weird, pop music was still making everything vibrate.

Cas folded his arms across his chest and thought heavy thoughts. "This is not funny."

Anna wiped her eyes and stood up straight. "I'm sorry. BUT YES IT IS!"

Cas growled. He looked up at Dean. "Please, Dean?"

"You're just a big baby in a trench coat Castiel," he chuckled and set Cas down.

Cas blinked a few times and turned away from the man. It wasn't the first time someone had called him that. His older brother had said the same thing when Cas had first shrugged on his father's coat. He did not like it.

"I think you just hurt his feelings," Anna mumbled, rolling her eyes. "Come on, let's go already! This party was sucking anyway!"

Dean made to scoop Cas up again but received a sharp jab in the stomach and got the message. He beamed at the Impala proudly and slid into the driver's side.

"Shotgun!" Anna shouted and hopped in.

Cas sat grumpily in the back seat as they set off. When they got to Anna's place (she didn't live on campus), the goodbye was a bit awkward.  
She hugged Cas, whispering "Go get him tiger," and giggling as she stood back. When it came to saying goodbye to Dean, she blushed slightly and held out her hand.

Dean shook it awkwardly and smiled. He looked slightly confused and Cas didn't blame him.

"I had a fun night, Dean. Thanks," Anna waved and skipped up the stairs to the house she shared with 2 other girls.

Dean hopped back in the car and motioned for Cas to follow.

Cas slid into the passenger seat watched Dean as he started the engine.

"Do you mind if I turn the music up?" Dean asked, his voice going quiet.

Cas shrugged and turned to look out the window.

The song that started playing got louder and Dean began singing along loudly. Very loudly.

Cas had to say, he had a lot of enthusiasm. He rested his head against the window and shut his eyes, listening to the sound of Dean's voice. It was a good sound. Carefree and light hearted and fun.

"Come on, Cas, you must know this song! Join in!" Dean laughed and hit Castiel's stomach playfully. He hit one the bruises.

Cas winced and frowned. He still wasn't sure how he got them and he didn't particularly want to find out. "I'm sorry, Dean. I don't know the song."

Dean slammed his foot on the breaks and turned to face Cas who was holding himself from the dashboard, wide eyed. "Do you live under a rock, man?"

Cas smiled slightly. He found Dean amusing.

Dean noticed Cas' hand on his stomach and frowned, reach out to pull his hand away.

Cas let Dean take his hand. The touch sent a jolt of electricity through his veins and he gasped for air.

Dean carefully lifted up the shirt and examined the bruised skin. "What did you do?" he asked.

"I have no idea…. I just woke up one morning with all these bruises."

Dean smiled cheekily. "Maybe I should stay the night and watch what happens…"

If Cas had been eating, he certainly would have choked on his food at that moment. As it was, his eyes widened and he spluttered something that did not sound like English.

"Relax, angel boy," Dean patted Castiel's knee and took the handbrake off, beginning the drive again.

It wasn't a long car ride and Cas was almost sad when it ended and he had to get out into the cold and the florescent light of his dorm. Cas tugged his coat around him and headed towards the entrance. It felt like an unusually long walk…

"Cas, wait up!" Dean shouted and there were footsteps from behind Cas.

Cas turned around.

Dean grabbed him by the collar and pulled him forwards, smashing their lips together.

Cas closed his eyes and leaned into the man that was holding him, breathing him in as he let a different dizziness than the one from the party over take him. He swayed slightly, but Deans strong arms were wound tightly around his waist and Castiel felt safe.

Dean pulled back and raised an eye brow questioningly.

Cas smiled, eyes half closed and shirt crinkled. "What was that for?" he asked, completely out of breath.

Dean licked his lips. "Just a little experiment," he whispered, placing a kiss on Castiel's forehead. "The results were rather interesting actually…."

Cas blinked as if he were waking from a dream and a slightly panicked look flashed in his eyes. "And?" he knew how nervous he sounded and mentally hit himself for it.

Dean nodded slowly to no one in particular before smiling. "If you'll meet me in the park and 11 o'clock tomorrow, I'll let you know the conclusion I draw…" With that, he grinned, swaggered back off to his 'baby' and left.


	3. Understanding

Cas turned and half staggered into the dorm. His brain was full of fuzzies and he barely made it to his room before the need to lie down became too much. He fell onto his bed and curled up into a ball at one end, a smile on his face and his stomach filled to the brim with butterflies. Only a week ago, Cas hadn't even known who Dean was, and now he couldn't imagine not knowing. Castiel hadn't felt like this in so very long. He felt so happy that he could burst. Usually, his life was nothing more than family arguments and doing what he was told. Often, Cas found himself so confused about everything that he just wished the world would get on with and blow up already. His eyelids were soon far too heavy to keep open and for the first time in a long time, Cas actually wanted to sleep. He wanted to dream. And dream, he did.

It was yet another dream about Dean. He woke up and while he remembered it all, scribbled it into his notebook. Things got a bit vague towards the end, but at least he'd gotten the more important things down on paper. It had been a good dream. He'd spent 24 hours with Dean and they'd both loved every second of it. Cas could remember Dean's laugh best of all. To Cas, the story wasn't important because, being a dream, it was mostly likely ridiculous and nonsensical. It was the emotions behind the dream that mattered, and the little bits, like a laugh, or a hug or a shouted word.

Cas stayed in bed for almost an hour before he dragged himself up. Saturday. Finally the weekend. TAKE THAT, THURSDAY! YOUR PLAN HAS BEEN FOILED!

At 11am, only 1 hour after eating breakfast, Castiel was standing under the pavilion in the park, praying to God that Dean would find him. His insides felt all tingly and he was unable to stay still.

"Cas!" Dean was rounding the corner, waving his arms, a smile that could light up a room, visible even from far away.

Cas took a deep breath and headed towards him. "Hello, Dean."

"Cas… Would you like to grab something to eat?" Dean beckoned Castiel over.

Cas nodded. He wasn't actually hungry, but it was obvious that Dean wished to talk.

They walked together through the trees, silently. Both men hand their hands in their pockets and were hunched over against the cold.

"Why did you kiss me Dean?" Cas asked finally. The question had been nagging at him. After all, Dean had been kissing Anna….

Dean turned down a path and stayed quiet for a while. "It just… felt like the right thing to do at the time….I don't know…. I mean, it feels wrong now."

Cas winced like he'd been hit in the stomach.

Dean glanced at Cas for a moment, true fear flashed in his eyes. "No, Cas, not wrong like that!" He continued in a hurry. "I mean, it's just that I don't even know you man."

Castiel relaxed a bit and followed Dean into a small restaurant. "I'd understand if you… regret doing it…" he almost whispered.

Dean sat down at a table next to the window and Cas slid into the seat opposite him. "I don't regret it, Cas…. I just want to get to know you." He sounded nervous, but his eyes were entirely certain. They were sparkling and interested and focussed on Cas.

"I didn't think you were…. You know…"

"Gay?" Dean chuckled. "Neither did I really… but I have this feeling. That you're special and important. And I like you Cas. I don't want to miss a chance."

Cas smiled. A real proper grin. The sort of grin that very rarely showed on Castiel's face.

A waitress came over then and since this was a place Cas had never been before, Dean ordered for him.

"Now," he knitted his fingers together and leant across the table. "Tell me about you."

Cas blushed. "I'm Castiel Novak... I grew up in Pontiac, Illinois and my family's messed up.' He shrugged.

Dean smiled softly. "What's wrong with your family?"

Cas frowned down at his hands. Dean's piercing gaze was too much. Too intense. He couldn't escape it. "Dad left us years ago…. Everyone says that he's dead…"

"Do you believe that?"

"No. I believe that he's out there. Somewhere… Anyway, his absence has sparked a lot of arguments amongst my sibling and me." He looked back up. His stomach was churning and Dean was still staring at him. Cas bit his lip. "I was confused last night, because, well, I saw you and Anna…. Kissing…"

Dean visibly swallowed and rubbed his hand over his mouth. "Anna kissed me… and, I mean come on, she's a hot chick. But when I saw you there…. I don't know," he sighed. "I've only known you for a week or something."

"Romeo and Juliet fell in love and got married after only meeting twice," Cas mumbled, barely audible.

Dean choked on the water he was drinking and looked at Cas, eyes wide.

"I was joking, Dean." Castiel smiled and looked up to watch as a huge burger was placed in front of him.

Dean licked his lips and smiled at the waitress. It was that cheesy smile again.

They ate in silence again.

Dean devoured his burger in minutes.

Cas was slower, taking small tentative bites at first. It did taste good… His phone buzzed in his pocket and he flipped it open to see a message from Anna.

_You with Dean?_

Yes, but not like that -_-

You should be…. 

Cas tucked his phone back into his pocket and pushed his plate away from him.

"Not hungry, Cas?"

Castiel shrugged.

Dean, having destroyed his own meal, stood up and held out a hand to Cas. "Let's get out of here."

Cas burned bright red and took the hand that was offered to him.

Dean pulled him to his feet, holding on as he paid for their meal.

Cas shivered. Dean's hand was hot against his and he felt all tingly. He was dragged from the restaurant then as Dean headed off, down the street.

When Dean let their hands fall, Cas' heart ached. He wanted to reach out and snatch it back, but as Dean said, they hardly knew each other.

"So, Angel boy… how do you and Anna know each other?"

"We grew up together. She's kind of like my sister, really." Cas looked in the shops as they walked past. They were in the sort of area with all the shop windows crammed full of wedding dresses. Castiel thought some of them were ridiculous._ Ask him something! Talk to him you idiot!_ Cas' mind prodded him and Cas turned to look at Dean as they walked. "Do you like bees?" Cas asked._ What sort of question was that?! Oh, great, now he's going to think you have a screw loose. _

Dean stopped walking and frowned in confusion before laughing, reaching out and grabbing hold of Cas by the shoulders. He pulled him forward and kissed him.

Cas melted. The wind ruffled his hair as he wrapped his arms around Dean. Sure, he didn't know this man all too well, but he'd never felt this certain about anything in his life. Not about his writing, or his family, or his friendship with Anna. Nothing. Dean was new.

"Please let me understand you," Dean mumbled against Castiel's lips.

"I just so happen to like bees," Cas whispered back as Dean knotted a hand in his hair.

"Get a room!" A man jogging past them shouted out and Cas sprung away from Dean guiltily.

They spent the rest of the afternoon in the park, lying back on the grass and staring up at the sky. They talked about Cas' writing (Cas refused to show Dean anything) and they talked about Dean's car (it had belonged to his Dad). At the use of past tense, Cas looked over at Dean, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

Dean shrugged. "He crashed her a while ago and couldn't be bothered fixing her. I said I'd look after her and he let me take her off his hands."

"And you only just fixed it?"

"No… Oh, right, when you bumped into me… She doesn't have the most reliable engine," Dean flipped over onto his stomach and picked at the grass. "I had her up and running way before then."

Cas nodded and the conversation continued until the sky began to get dark.

"We should probably head home," Dean got to his feet and pulled Cas up after him.

Castiel smiled.

Dean looked down at their joined hands and didn't let go. He smiled softly and started walking.

Cas shivered. A happy shiver, not a cold shiver, though it was quite chilly.

They once again walked right up to the entrance to Cas' dorm. Before going their separate ways, Dean took a pen from the inside pocket of Castiel's trench coat, took Cas' hand and scribbled his phone number down.

"Don't lose that number," he said as though it was the most urgent thing in the world.

Cas nodded and chewed on his bottom lip.

"Oh, that's not fair! You're not supposed to be that freaking cute!" Dean muttered, trying to stop the smile that was creeping onto his face.

"My apologies," Cas said and Dean started to… well, it was a cackle really. Cas blushed.

Dean pulled Castiel in for a hug. Just a hug. It started off as the sort of friendly squeeze, but then Dean didn't let go and Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's waist, burying his face into the man's neck and breathing in the smell of Dean, the smell of hair gel and shampoo with a hint of engine grease and dirt. It wasn't a strong smell. It was just Dean.

Dean kissed Cas on the back of the neck softly, resting his cheek against his head. He sighed happily and wriggled his hand under Cas' shirt to trace circles on the soft skin of his lower back.

Castiel shuddered and hugged Dean tighter. "I want to have more days like this," he breathed, lips tickling Dean's neck.

"I don't see any reasons why you shouldn't have more days like this…" Dean swayed on the spot, slowly letting his arms fall to his sides.

"So… I'll see you tomorrow?" Cas asked hopefully, grabbing hold of Dean's callused hand as he stepped back.

Dean grinned. "Of course you will! I'll even pick you up! You must hear my entire music collection and learn to appreciate every single song!"

Cas chuckled and rubbed at the back of his neck, squeezing Dean's hand before letting go.

"You know, I had more fun with you today than I've hand in a long time… years," Dean sounded slightly surprised and utterly content.

Cas nodded thoughtfully a smile still tugging at his lips. "Goodnight, Dean."

"Night Angel Boy," Dean chuckled and almost skipped down the steps and back onto the path, whistling cheerfully, hands in pockets, happy.

Cas watched him until he was out of sight before floating up to his room, passing all the people in the hallway, some of which stopped to stare at him as he drifted past, grinning stupidly. At that moment, Castiel was perfectly happy.


	4. Tell Me to Stay

They spent the next week and a bit like that. Whenever Cas wasn't in class, he was with Dean and when he wasn't with Dean, it was as though he'd left some part of him there, so really, he was always with Dean. It made doing as well as he usually did in his classes impossible. His professors continuously asked him if he was okay and Cas would say that he was perfect, and they would shake their heads and smile as though they knew exactly what Castiel was thinking. He wasn't doing badly. Cas could never do badly. It was just very difficult to stop thinking about Dean and focus on whatever he was doing at the time.

_So are you and Dean together yet?_ Anna texted from beside him in his Psychology as some film started playing.

_I don't know…_ Cas replied. Because he didn't know. So far, the hugging and kissing was at a minimum and the two were still in the process of getting to know each other. Dean was determined to know Cas before things got too serious. Cas took this as a good sign.

_Then you better have a good excuse for not hanging out with me. ._

Can we talk later?

Sure, sure 

Cas smiled at Anna and tucked his phone away. He needed someone to talk to. Someone to unload all of this stuff on and Anna was the only person. She was his only real friend. If it wasn't Anna, Cas' life would just be filled with 'acquaintances'. Take Balthazar for instance. Castiel would stop and chat with Balthazar, but it wasn't as though they'd ever hang out together. Cas suspected that that was partially due to the fact that Balthazar was afraid Cas would fall in love with him. That, of course, was ridiculous.

After class, Anna cornered Cas and folded her arms, glaring at him. "Tell me everything."

"Where do you want me to start?"

"Start with…. How come I never realised that he's gay? I can usually tell those things." It was true. She did. Cas never had to tell her. It had just been one of those things that both of them knew.

"He said that he didn't know he was gay…"

"So you're just an experiment?"

Cas cringed into the cold stone wall. That thought had never occurred to him. He'd been so caught up in his euphoric state that he'd never stopped to think of anything like that.

"Also, how did he know that you're gay? Do you just radiate rainbows of something?"

Cas frowned. He wished she'd stop talking.

"Maybe he went and asked someone… dug up some dirt on you…" Anna was pretty much just talking to herself now.

"Stop, Anna. Just stop."

Anna stopped in the middle of another painful sentence. "God, Cas, I'm sorry. I'm not being very best friendly am I?" She smiled apologetically and rubbed Cas' arm.

He looked down at his vest and adjusted the cuffs on his navy blue shirt. "I like Dean. I really like him. He said he likes me too and I trust him."

"I know," Anna said softly, pulling Cas in for a hug. "All that matters is that you trust him. Nothing else is important. Only… be careful. Guys like Dean are the sort of guys who freak out about their sexuality." She gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek and waved a goodbye. Off to go watch some TV, most likely.

Cas stood against the wall for another few minutes, trying to calm his stomach. As he adjusted the strap of his backpack on his shoulder, Cas headed back to his dorm. He didn't get there, however. He spotted Dean sitting by the fountain in the courtyard and doubled back to get another look. Yep that was Dean. Sitting on the concrete edge of the fountain next to an extremely tall guy. Cas went over to them.

"Cas!" Dean beamed when he saw him and waved a hand for him to come over. "Cas, this is my brother Sam. Sam, this is Cas."

"Finally! Dean doesn't shut up about you," Sam took Cas' hand and shook it enthusiastically. He towered over both Cas and Dean, had broad shoulders and shaggy brown hair that flopped in front of his eyes and curled at the ends slightly.

Cas' cheeks burned. "W-what has he said?"

Sam chuckled. "Nothing bad, don't worry."

"Cas, breathe," Dean laughed at him. "Everything's fine!"

But Castiel didn't breathe. He was meeting Dean's family way too soon. He didn't even know if him and Dean were a thing!

"You're not breathing… Sammy I think you're intimidating him."

"I'm fine," Cas choked out.

Sam clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't mind me, Cas. I'm just leaving. But um, Dean, you should invite Cas to ours for Christmas!" Sam smiled cheerfully at his brother, winked and left, laptop tucked under his arm.

"So…. That's Sam…" Cas wobbled over to Dean and sat down. 'I'm guessing you told him about… us…"

Dean chuckled. "He kind of figured it out…" Dean turned an amazing scarlet colour. The sort of colour that Cas never thought he would turn. He bit his lip and smiled at Castiel, eyes twinkling in the sunlight. "You should, you know.'

"Should what?"

"Come to Lawrence for Christmas… Unless you have something else planned, of course…"

Cas leant forward kissed Dean without even thinking about it. He squeezed Dean's hand lightly and sat back. "It's a while away yet. Let's just wait and see."

Dean nodded and got to his feet. "Castiel. Would you accompany me to the cinema?" He held out his hand, bowing slightly.

Cas made a sound that could only be described as a giggle and took the hand offered to him. "It would be my pleasure," he said.

They saw a movie about some man who killed this old lady, but to be honest, neither of them could remember all that much about it. Both men were entirely absorbed in each other the entire time. They seemed to take it in turns staring at each other out of the corner of their eyes and looked away hastily if the other caught them doing so. This was then preceded by a moment in which they were both trying desperately to control their giggles. The laughter always seemed to escape at the most inappropriate of times, earning the boys grumpy looks from the other people in the cinema.

They walked home that night, though Dean offered to drive. Cas enjoyed the night air. He liked to look up at the few stars that were visible. Most people said that the stars made them feel small, but they made Castiel feel like a giant.  
They strolled along the street, past all those angry people who were trying to usher them into their restaurants, grinning like fools. As the wind grew colder, Dean reached out and hooked Cas' fingers with his own.

"Would you like to come back to my place?" Dean asked quietly, watching Castiel's face.

Cas' stomach did a backflip and he nodded. He let Dean guide him in a direction he'd never been before. The turned down a small street, lit by one street lamp and were soon entering a block of rather dingy looking flats. The pair trudged up a few flight of stairs before Dean reached into his pocket with his free hand and pulled out a key.

Inside, the apartment was alright. It was a little cluttered, but very Dean-like. There were clothes strewn everywhere and a few empty cereal boxes on the floor.

"I'm uh…. I'm sorry about the mess," Dean stuttered, tossing his leather jacket over the back of a couch.

Cas pulled Dean around to face him and tugged him in close. "It's fine. It's very you… I like that," he whispered and pressed their lips together. He wound his arms around the taller man and pulled him in so close he was almost afraid that they would smoosh together into some big blob.

Dean knotted his fingers in Castiel's hair and walked him back until he was pressed against the wall, kicking the front door closed as he did so and letting his keys fall to the ground.

Cas moaned, reaching up under Dean's shirt and running his hand over the man's muscled stomach.

Dean's breath hitched and he shuddered at the sensation.

Cas slowly dragged Dean's t-shirt up and over his head, their lips parting for mere seconds before they were kissing again.

Dean tried to walk them back into his bedroom, but collided with the arm of his larger couch. He yelped as he toppled backwards, dragging Cas with him.

Cas laughed and used his arms to hold up his weight. His breathing was ragged and looking down, he saw that Dean was shaking slightly. "Don't worry," he mumbled, kissing Dean's chest as he began slipped of his vest and unbutton his shirt. "You're in good hands," he smiled and tugged his shirt off completely.

They never made it to the bedroom.

Cas opened his eyes the next morning as the sun sparkled in through the blinds. He blinked and lifted himself up onto his elbows, looking around him.

Dean was lying on the floor next to him, eyes shut and arm flopped over his face.

Cas' mouth quirked up at the sides as Dean flopped over onto his side. He was beautiful. Cas was lucky. He reached down and gently ran his hand along Dean's jaw and tracing his lips with the tips of his fingers.

Dean snorted awake and swatted at Castiel's hand lazily. "Stop… tickles," he muttered, trying and failing to open his eyes.

Cas chuckled, rolling sideways off the couch so that he fell on top of Dean.

Dean grunted and his eyes flew open. He pushed at Cas and finally struggled into a sitting position. He shivered and tugged the blanket from the couch so it fell around both of them.

Cas kissed him lightly on the cheek and scrambled to his feet, searching out for all of his clothes.

"Do you have to go?" Dean asked, disappointment in his voice.

Cas beamed down at him as he tugged on his pants. "Not if you tell me to stay."

Dean hugged the fluffy grey blanket around his shoulders and sat on his knees, giving Cas his best puppy-dog look. "Stay," Dean whispered. "Stay forever."

Cas laughed and sighed, sitting back down on the couch.

"What are you doing?" Dean frowned, puzzled.

"You told me to stay…. I thought you wanted me to stay…"

Dean burst into laughter. He laughed and he laughed and he laughed, tears streaming from his eyes.

Cas crossed his arms impatiently and rolled his eyes. "I'll see you later Dean," he stood and finished getting dressed.

Dean held out a hand. "No, Cas, please!" He giggled and reached for the TV remote. "Watch some crappy TV with me?"

Cas tried not to smile as he sat next to Dean and the fluffy blanket and wrapped his arms around him. He began to tell Dean about his dreams then. His dreams of Dean and the odd theme they had.

"That's so weird…" Dean chuckled and ruffled Castiel's hair.

"I think they mean something…"

Dean groaned and Cas whacked him. "Sorry. Go ahead. Tell me what they mean."

"I don't think they're just dreams… You know how there are all those parallel universes in fiction?" When Dean nodded, Castiel continued excitedly. "Well what if those parallel universes actually exist and sometimes, when we dream, we catch glimpses of some of them?"

"So you're saying that in some other universe you're an angel and I'm some sort of… "

"You're a hunter. Yes. But the thing is, that in these dreams, there's still all this chemistry between us. We're still friends… possibly more!"

"What are you saying Castiel?"

"I'm saying that it seems as though we were always destined to meet and be together. In every possible universe. We're just… meant to be," Cas beamed at Dean who let the blanket fall from his shoulders.

One side of his mouth stretched upwards into that cheeky side grin and he launched himself at Cas, ruffling his hair and kissing his neck. "I like that idea," he mumbled.

Cas tried half-heartedly to get up, but he didn't really want to. He managed to sneak out from under Dean and move to the couch.

Dean followed and they curled up together under the fluffy blanket as some junky hospital show started playing on the small television.

And that's how things went for a while. Cas spent most of his nights round at Dean's place and the two were nearly inseparable at all other times. Anna hung out with them every now and then, whispering embarrassing things in Castiel's ear whenever something funny happened. Whenever Cas wasn't with Dean, they were texting. Cas was happy and everything was right.


	5. Family

Things started getting stressful for Cas just before Dean was planning on dragging him to Lawrence to meet his family. Things started going wrong when Cas stopped being able to afford things that he wanted. He wanted to buy a new string for Dean's weird as gold pendant, but he had no money to spend. He was out of money. Broke and in serious need of a job. The only problem was that no one seemed to be hiring and no jobs interested him. Naturally, the day Castiel realised that he was in trouble, he called his family. His mother wouldn't come to the phone so Cas was stuck talking to Raphael.

"Please, Raphael," Cas grumbled.

"No Castiel. You left. Went all the way over there to get away from us."

"But I'm still family. I need help. Please just….. Put mum on the phone!" Cas sat down on his bed and stared at the blank wall opposite him.

"You're already dead to her Castiel. She's not going to help…." Raphael growled. "You took her husband's coat and abandoned her."

Cas rested his head against the wall and hung up, sighing and lobbing the phone. It crashed into the wall and the battery popped out. He rubbed at his head and literally crawled over to put the phone back together so he could message Dean.

Feeling a bit down. Want to go for a walk?

Sure Angel Boy. Meet you in the park in five.

Cas didn't bother slipping his feet into shoes. He just headed off, down the street in bare feet. He'd spent most of his childhood wandering around with no shoes on, so it wasn't too painful. Still, he was glad when he reached the grass. He massaged the muddy ground with his toes as he waited by the big tree near the pavilion.

Dean was soon jogging over to him, slightly out of breath. "What's up Cas?" he asked.

Cas shrugged. "It's nothing really… I just feel like some company…"

Dean grinned down at Castiel's bare feet and shook his head slowly. "Want to go back to mine?" a cheeky grin ruining his usual pout.

Cas went red. He was surprised that after all this time, Dean could still make him blush. "Let's walk slowly… And Dean? Can you talk to me about something?"

"What?" Dean raised an eyebrow and took Cas' hand.

Cas shrugged again. "Tell me a story…"

"Can I make up a story about those weird ass dreams you had?"

Cas laughed quietly and nodded.

Dean thought for a moment, making a clicking noise with his tongue. "Once upon a time..."

Cas rolled his eyes.

Dean squeezed his hand. "All stories begin with once upon a time, silly… Anyway, once upon a time…" and Dean began to tell the story of a broken man and an angel who put him back together. Dean fell silent after a while and kissed Cas' hand gently as they walked along. "The end."

Cas shuddered and smiled. Dean's story didn't quite fit in with his dreams, but it was still really nice. And, of course, Castiel had never fully explained his dreams. His stomach was still uneasy and he felt like crying, but he tried to convince himself that he didn't need his family. It hurt though… that they could so easily abandon him when he needed help. He kicked at a stone on the footpath with his bare foot._ Stupid Raphael._

They walked the rest of the short distance in what would have been silence if Dean hadn't started to hum 'Highway to Hell'.

That night, lying in Dean's bed with strong arms wrapped around him, Cas tried to fall asleep. His mind, however, had a different idea and kept pressing thoughts of money and jobs into Castiel's head. Cas was restless. He was happily thinking of Dean's story one minute and freaking out about debts and college the next. He kept wriggling around and trying to think of other things, but it just didn't seem to work and he soon wanted to tear his hair out. When he finally drifted off to sleep, his mind was still on bank statements and money… specifically how much money it would take to keep him at college.

-

Someone was holding his head when he woke, running their fingers through his hair softly and whispering to him.

"It's okay, Cas," it was Dean. "Whatever you saw… it's gone now."

"What's going on?" Cas murmured, opening his eyes a crack and looking up at his boyfriend.

Dean pulled back, his hand holding Cas' hair from his face. "You don't remember?" Dean's voice was hoarse, as though he'd been shouting or crying. Or both.

Cas sat up. "There's something to remember?"

"I thought you were having some kind of fit, man! You were screaming and… and you tried to get out of bed and you looked so freaking scared! I –" Dean choked on his words and closed his eyes.

Castiel rested his hand on Dean's cheek. "I'm okay now," he said frowning in concern. "I guess I must have had a bad dream…"

"You think?!" Dean laughed in disbelief and took Cas' hand in his. "Please, Cas. Never do that again."

Cas tried to smile softly but it didn't quite work. "I don't know what I did…"  
Dean pulled him back into a hug and kissed the top of his head.

Cas was scared. What could he have been dreaming of? Why couldn't he remember? He'd never seen Dean like this. So genuinely frightened. Dean was usually one of those people who hid things away, but he wasn't being like that now. He was letting Cas see everything.

Cas left Dean's house early the next morning to search for a job. Nowhere was hiring. He couldn't even get a few shifts and the café! He sat down on a bench outside Subway and put his head in his hands. He'd have to leave… give up his education. He wouldn't be able to keep going at the college. He'd probably have to go back home. Not that it was much of a home really… and they probably wouldn't take him back. He huffed in frustration and leant back, staring up at the blue sky. The wind was unbearably cold on his face, but it didn't get through his coat and he was glad for that. He kept trying for the next week, never once telling Dean what was going on. Dean would only worry and that wasn't going to help. Cas tried not to spend money, only buying the essentials. He felt horrible when Dean took him out and Cas let him pay for everything, but what else could he do?

Dean didn't question it. Not once.

There was snow falling as Cas hopped into the back of the Impala. It all melted before it hit the ground, but it was still snow. Cas was in the back, Sam in the passenger seat, having used his long legs as an excuse and Dean, of course, was driving. They were headed for Kansas. Cas hadn't bought any Christmas presents yet and the guilt was eating at him. He couldn't afford anything. He hoped that no one got him anything. Cas had grumbled at Dean about going, pretended to be sick and faking one of what Dean had started referring to as 'his fits'.

Dean wouldn't take no for an answer. "Do you have any other plans?" He asked, sounding wounded.

"No… but…"

"You are not spending Christmas alone Cas! Don't worry, my parents will love you!" naturally Dean thought that Cas was just nervous about meeting the family. It was better for Cas if that's what he thought.

So Cas was going to Lawrence with them. And he was going to feel bad the whole time he was there. He'd had one more 'fit' the other day and Dean had freaked out for about an hour. Cas tried to assure him that he was okay, but nothing seemed to be able to calm him down.

"I touched your hand and you freaked out, Cas!" He had shouted at Castiel, who had been sinking in between two massive pillows. "That's not normal!"

As Cas rested his head against the cold car window, he thought about Dean yelling. He didn't like it. It wasn't right. Dean hadn't even been shouting at Cas…. He'd more been shouting at the world.

The engine thundered into life and ACDC started playing quietly. Dean had turned it down for Sam's benefit.

Cas closed his eyes and hummed along quietly. Dean had forced him to listen to his music until the words were almost seared into his brain.

"So Cas… how come you're not with your family?" Sam asked turning his head around to look at Cas.

"I uh… I don't get along with them… We're not exactly close," Cas knew that he sounded grumpy and he saw Dean's eyebrows shoot up when he looked in the rear view mirror.

Sam turned back to the front and stayed quiet.

The car was warm and Cas knew the drive would be long, so he curled his feet up on the seat next to him and tried to get some sleep, praying that he would sleep in piece.

"Cas," Dean was whispering in his ear, shaking him gently. "Cas it's time to go meet the folks…"

Cas groaned and rolled over, hugging the pillow to him. This is a comfortable car seat… he thought to himself before frowning and opening his eyes. He was in a bed. A very squishy bed. It smelt nice and clean and Dean was sitting next to him, smiling down with his twinkling eyes. "How long was I out?" Castiel mumbled.

"We got here at about 12am… and it's now 10 in the morning," Dean ran his hand through Cas' hair. "You had a good sleep."

Cas sighed and sat up. The room was small-ish and there was blue paint and a few sporting posters on the walls. He dragged himself out of the bed and smiled sheepishly at Dean. He tugged off his shirt and put a fresh one on. His hair was still a mess of waves and knots, but he couldn't have cared less. "Let's go then," he said as he yawned and took Dean's hand.

They traipsed out into the hallway and started down the stairs.

Dean kept a tight grip on Castiel's hand.

Naturally, Cas tripped over his own feet and stumbled down a few steps, yelping in surprise. He thudded as his feet slipped down the edges of the stairs and started stinging.

Dean grabbed his arm and held him still. "Don't worry angel boy," he whispered. "I'll catch you whenever you fall."

Cas held onto him as though he was the only thing that was stopping him from floating away. His heart stuttered in his chest and his ears went red. "You told them who I was, right?" Cas asked, suddenly very nervous about meeting Dean's parents.

Dean rubbed Cas on the back. "Yeah. They're cool with it. A bit surprised…. But they didn't freak or anything. And I just know that Mum's going to love you."

"Dean are you two gonna stop muttering to each other and come down here?" A loud, gruff voice echoed up to them. It wasn't a mean voice, but it was strong and Castiel had the feeling that the man who owned it could kick his ass pretty easily.

Cas started wobbling down the steps again.

Dean didn't let go of his arm and kept Cas on his feet whenever it seemed as though he was going to topple over.

They padded out into the sitting room, hand in hand.

"Mum, Dad… This is my boyfriend... Cas," Dean was blushing now and squeezing Castiel's hand as though he was trying to squeeze the life out of it. Of course Dean would be scared. Telling his parents something like this was bound to be scary.

Cas hadn't had to do any of this. Anna had always known and his family? Well, they just simply didn't care. Castiel had so many siblings that he just blended in to the crowd. Even in his own home. That was why he had left. To be heard. To be seen. To do what he wanted in his life. "Hello," Cas' voice was shaky but he held out his hand and shook Mr Winchester's hand firmly.

"I'm John," he said, glancing at his son every few seconds. He had a smile in his eye. It was as if… well yeah, he was slightly freaked by Cas being a guy and all, but he was happy that his son was happy._ He must be a good father. _

"And I'm Mary," Dean's mother beamed at both of them and swung the large metal spoon in her hands around in a circle. When Cas raised his eye brows, Mary's smile grew. "I'm making soup," she said and fastened the strings of her apron around her neck. "And you," She pointed at the couple, "one of you is helping me."

Cas glanced at Dean.

"Rock, paper scissors?" Dean asked.

Cas sighed and nodded.

They did best out of three after Dean lost the first round and in the end, it was Cas who was helping Mary cook lunch.

Dean smiled and patted him on the back, blushing and squeezing his hand lightly.

"Come on, Cas," Mary nodded her head in the direction of the kitchen.

Cas wandered in behind her, rolling up the sleeves of his black, button up shirt. He felt better with them rolled up anyway…

After organising what they were doing and getting to work, Mary started chatting. About simple things. Cas' family, his classes, his childhood and all those sorts of things. Then, once the soup was bubbling away in its pot, she put down her ladle thing and turned to him.

"How did you meet Dean?" She asked, smiling sweetly.

"Properly? Uhh…. He was walking Sam's dog in the park… The dog jumped on me…" Cas smiled slightly and chewed at his lip. He'd drawn his first picture of Dean that day. He hadn't meant it to be Dean…. Since then, he'd filled an entire sketch book with Dean and Dean related things. He'd even drawn that stupid car! "We just kept bumping into each other after that…"

"Take care of him for me," Mary all but whispered. "Dean needs someone to look out for him. He pretends that he doesn't, but I know that he does. He needs someone… and he's found you. You're not what his father and I were expecting, but I can see how happy he is. He has an almost manic twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step that I don't think I've ever seen in him. Don't let him lose it."

Cas took a shaky breath and nodded, leaning back against the cluttered kitchen counter. "I won't…" Cas' words didn't really come out, but Mary could see the shapes his lips formed and knew what he had said.

She scratched at her chin, leaving a small splodge of soup there. "Good," she said and turned down the heat on the stove before leaving.

Cas made to follow her but instead, headed out the front door.


	6. Staying Awake

"Cas?" Dean stepped lightly down the stone steps. "What are you doing out here?"

Castiel was leaning back against the trunk of the huge tree in the front yard, smiling as he looked down at the ground. "I'm watching the bees," he said and pointed to a few buzzing yellow bees that hovered around a blue flower. "It's quite amazing how something so small can create something as tasty as honey…"

Dean raised his eyebrows and licked his lips, looking around as though to make sure that no one was watching them. He knelt down next to Cas and stayed quiet for a few moments. "They're kind of cute too," he mumbled and nudged Cas affectionately.

Cas turned around and hooked his fingers into Dean's leather jacket, pulling him in for a kiss.

Dean knotted his fingers in Castiel's hair and held him there, sighing happily.

Cas smiled around the kiss and pulled back slightly.

There was a loud wolf whistle from the doorway of the house. Sam stood there grinning; finger's hooked into Bones' collar to keep him from bolting.

Dean flipped him off and gave Cas a peck on the cheek before getting to his feet. "So Cas… are we ever going to talk about your…. Fits?"

"I don't think there's anything we can do about them…." Cas picked at a flappy bit on his shoes as he stared at the tiny fly that had started wandering around on his knee.

Dean sighed. "So, what? You're Thelma, I'm Louise and we're just going to hold hands and sail off this cliff together?"

Cas frowned. "I don't understand that reference…"

Dean nearly toppled backwards. "Do you pay any attention at all to what's going on in the world?" he asked.

"Not particularly…. Whenever I pay attention, all I seem to see are the bad things…" Cas squinted into the sunlight and flicked the fly from his knee.

"If you payed attention all the time, I'm sure you'd see lots of good things as well…"

"I'm busy," Cas huffed. His mouth twitched up at the corners at the sudden thought of holding hands with Dean and falling off a cliff. Well, the cliff part wasn't good, but the other part…

"You're not busy!" Dean scoffed. "You sit around all day scribbling in that notebook of yours!"

Cas narrowed his eyes and rested his head back against the tree, closing his eyes and waving for Dean to go away. He heard the crunching of his footsteps and smiled, humming softly. Cas sat outside under that tree for over an hour, only disturbed when Dean brought a beer out to him.

Around 1pm, Cas was practically dragged himself inside to eat the soup that Mary had finished preparing by herself.

Sam was setting the table when Cas walked in. He looked up and smiled at him and pointed to a certain chair. "We all sort of have our spots," he said. "You can sit next to Dean."

Cas nodded, but didn't sit. He'd wait until everyone else sat first.

"That smells so good!" Dean said loudly as he came into the room. His hair was freshly washed and a sweet soapy smell was wafting off him.

"You can thank Cas for this meal. He did more than me," Mary came in, carrying the pot and balancing salt and pepper shakers in her elbow.

"Thanks Cas," Dean whispered and planted a kiss on his boyfriend's cheek.

Cas went scarlet and Dean started laughing.

"You're so easy to embarrass," Dean chuckled.

"Hey! You were blushing before," Cas put his hands on his hips, the colour of his cheeks deepening.

"Dad, hurry up and get in here before Dean and Cas get too intimate!" Sam called out and Dean smacked him on the head.

John was in the room on seconds. "Cas, you can sit next to me," he said.

Mary rolled her eyes at him. She turned to Cas. "You can sit next to Dean," she announced cheerfully.

Castiel got impossibly redder. He all but collapsed into the seat that Sam had originally told him to sit it.

Dean sat in the seat next to him and mumbled out of the corner of his mouth. "Sorry, Cas. My family's a little strange sometimes."

"It's quite alright."

Sam served up the soup and they all grabbed a piece of bread each.

"Thank you for… allowing me to stay here," Cas said as he cleaned up his bowl.

"It's our pleasure Castiel," John smiled and cleared the table once everyone was finished.

Cas yawned and Dean stood, tugging on his sleeve lightly. Cas grunted and looked up into the green eyes.

"Want to go for a walk?"

Cas yawned again.

Dean chuckled. "Maybe not….. We could watch a movie…"

"Yeah. Let's do that," he ran a hand through his hair and got up, stumbling after Dean as they made their way to the couch in front of the TV. Cas didn't care what they watched, he just wanted to curl up next to Dean and drift off.

Dean put in The Shawshank Redemption, mumbling something about everyone liking it. He tugged Cas back onto the couch and adjusted the cushions.

"I've never seen this…" Cas said and Dean shifted away from him on the couch.

"I don't know you," he said lightly, his mouth turned down into a grimace but a playful smile in his eyes.

Cas moved over to him and rested his hand on Dean's thigh. "You loooooove me," he said and turned to the TV. He felt Dean's muscles tense and he glanced over at him. He'd thought he'd dragged out the word 'love' enough so that it didn't sound serious.. Cas didn't know what so say…. So he didn't say anything. He just rested his head on Dean's shoulder and crossed his fingers, hoping that Dean would just ignore him and turn up the TV's volume or something.

Neither of them spoke as the film started playing and Castiel tried to pay attention, but he was way too aware of Dean beside him, tense and awkward. After about ten minutes, he sighed and kissed the man's shoulder shifting away into a more comfortable position.

"No," Dean whispered. "Come back here," he smiled and hugged Cas, ruffling his hair as he stretched his legs on his lap.

Cas took a deep breath then, glad that Dean wasn't freaking out on him. He found his eyes drooping shut after a while and started snoring softly .

This time, Castiel remembered. He remembered the feeling of complete and utter hopelessness and the fear that came along with that. He remembered black ooze and voices and not being able to control his body. He remembered the black goo squidging onto his arm and spreading. The cold, choking feeling had been unbearable. He'd been able to see Dean and he'd been able to hear him, but it was as if there was a think wall of black ooze between them. The usually reasonable part of Cas that recognised Dean, was in shock. That part of him believed that Dean was in danger. Cas had lashed out at the black wall against his will, Dean shouting something he couldn't understand. And then he was warm, wrapped in a tight embrace, kind words being whispered in his ear. But he hadn't wanted to listen. The black was everywhere and he just wanted to get out.

"Cas, please. It's okay! Please, Cas calm down!" Dean was whispering softly.

Cas heard the words. Clear as day. They didn't really sink in… and the goo was closing in on him, forcing its way into his nose and eyes and mouth. His hands went to his face and he soon found them pinned by his sides.

"It's okay…. It's all okay. You're safe," Dean sounded so frightened.

Cas tried to listen. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to slow his thudding heart. Then it was over. The black ooze was gone and Dean was holding him. Castiel was shaking. He shuddered and looked everywhere for signs of the black. Gone. All gone.

"Cas?" Dean let Cas go and sat back down on the couch.

Castiel practically collapsed. "I was dreaming…"

"That was one hell of a nightmare! Your eyes were open for God's sake!" Dean was out of breath.

"I remember it this time…. The other times I haven't remembered it…. But this time… I was so scared, Dean… I've never been that scared before," Cas' eyebrows were knitted together in confusion. The bags under his eyes seemed more defined than they had been a month ago and he was still shaking slightly. "Dean… I don't want to go back to sleep… I don't want to go through that again."

"What happened? I heard you shouting from all the way outside…" Sam was in the doorway, with an expression on his face that said 'I hope you weren't fighting about anything serious'.

Cas gave Dean a panicked look. He didn't want anyone else to know. This was their little secret.

"We accidentally turned the volume up a bit loud on the TV," he gestured to a paused scene in Shawshank Redemption and smiled cheekily.

Sam's mouth opened into a little 'o' and his eyes widened. He shook his head slowly as he backed out of the room.

Dean collapsed back and stared up at the ceiling. After a while, he got up and wandered over to the Christmas tree that sat in the corner of the room. He knelt down began inspecting the presents that sat, neatly wrapped, beneath it. "I think you're going to have to get some help," he said quietly and flicked at a low hanging bauble.

Cas' stomach heaved. He thought he was going to be sick. He stood, raced out of the living room, up the stairs and back into the small bathroom that branched off from the hallway. He kneeled by the toilet and waited. Nothing came up and he sighed with relief and pressing his cheek against the tiled wall. The thought of something being wrong with him made everything spin… and if he did need help? Well, it's not like he could afford it. Thinking about that brought up the thought of presents and he felt sick all over again.

"Cas?" Dean knocked on the bathroom door urgently. "Cas, are you okay?"

Castiel didn't reply. He took a shaky breath and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Cas…. Please, let me in! If you don't let me in, I'll break the door down!"

Cas smiled. He'd liked to have seen that. He struggled to his feet and unlocked the door, leaning against the door frame.

"Are you okay?" Dean asked quietly.

Cas nodded and stalked past Dean, into the bedroom he'd woken up in. He flopped down onto the bed and closed his eyes. He felt the bed sink as Dean sat down next to him. "I haven't got any presents for your family…" said guiltily.

Dean laughed and smoothed Castiel's hair back from his forehead. "We can say that my presents to them are from both of us," he said softly. "They won't expect anything special... they're _my_ parents…"

It still surprised Cas how gentle Dean could be. He came across as such a tough guy, all muscles, calloused hands and composed smiles, but sometimes he let all that stuff just fall away… the walls he had up would crumble around Cas, and he would be himself. Cas liked that.

The remainder of the day was uneventful. They went for a little walk before dinner and Dean pointed out a few of the places he used to hang when he was younger.

Cas enjoyed the walk. He could just imagine a little version of Dean sitting at the top of that rusty slide, refusing to let anyone on.

Dinner was a delicious, homemade lasagne. Conversation was completely ordinary, but kept glancing suspiciously at Dean and Cas.

Once they were alone in the room that used to belong to Dean, they were both ready to crash.

Cas' eyes drifted closed and for a minute, he forgot about the…. Nightmare? Fit? Whatever it was… "Hey Dean?" Cas asked, forcing his eyes open and rolling over to face him.

Dean grunted in acknowledgement.

"Can you… stay awake with me tonight?"

Dean smiled sadly and blinked his eyes open. "Sure thing, angel boy." He flipped himself out of the bed and padded out of the room.

Cas frowned and pushed himself up. He could hear footsteps on the stairs. What the hell is he doing?

Dean came back about a minute later, cradling about 7 different board games in his arms.

Cas raised an eyebrow.

"What? We're going to need something to entertain us aren't we?" He grinned and dumped the games on the bed.

Cas rolled his eyes a began to set one up. "Come on then."


	7. Night Terrors

They didn't manage to stay up all night though… well, Castiel didn't. They played a game of 'Sorry' and at one point actually dragged out the 'Twister'. At 12am, Dean had flipped over the monopoly board and leant forward to kiss Cas.

"Merry Christmas," he said.

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's neck as they knelt on his bed. He held him close, trying to make the kiss last forever. When he finally pulled back, he yawned loudly and rubbed at his eyes. "Merry Christmas," he smiled sleepily.

Dean reached out and ruffled Cas' hair before running his fingers through his own.

They tried to set up a game of chess.

Cas rested back into the squishy pillows and tried to stay awake. He failed.

When he woke up and realised that he'd been sleeping, he sat up. Too fast. His head spun and his vision went blurry for a second. "Dean?" he said into the blurriness.

"Yeah, Cas?"

"Did I…. Was I….."

"Slept like a baby…" Dean was standing by the window, staring out into the frosty morning. He turned around and for a second Cas was afraid that he was going to collapse. He seemed a bit wobbly and he had dark shadows under his eyes. He grinned. The smile only just reached his eyes. They seemed kind of…. Flat…. As if the sparkle had been taken out of them. Cas hoped it wasn't gone forever.

"Merry Christmas," Cas said and half fell out of the bed.

"You've said that already."

Cas huffed and picked himself up off the floor. "I know, but it's actually Christmas day now…" he went over to his suitcase and rummaged around in the front pocket. He pulled out a large orange envelope at handing it over. "I made you something."

Dean opened the envelope and pulled out the two pieces of paper that were inside it. He looked through them, a smile slowly stretching from ear to ear.

Cas blushed. "I didn't know if you'd like it but…. It's the sort of thing I do…" he shrugged and looked down at his bare feet.

"I love it," Dean said softly. "When did you get the time?"

"Well… uh…. Let's just say I haven't been doing much work in class…" Cas smiled proudly.

"Well, I really, really love it…. Now, would you like your present?" Dean asked,

Cas tilted his head to the side in curiosity.

Dean slipped the papers back in the envelope and let it fall to the floor. He licked his lips and walked up to Cas, pushing him back onto the bed and taking him by surprise. He reached down under the bed and pulled out a small, square box which had been wrapped as though a car had run over it.

Cas took it from him hesitantly. It's probably better than that silly drawing, he thought. He tore away the Christmas themed paper to reveal a black painted, cardboard box. Inside the box, was another box. A smaller one that looked like it was for jewellery or something. It was. A small silver angel hanging on a black string. The angel was holding some sort of weapon in its hands and its wings almost looked like flames. The angel was carved into the inch wide circle of silver, the details so fine and yet the carving so deep. The engraving looked as though it had been traced over in black so that the image stood out. Cas loved it. He slipped it around his neck and looked down at it fondly. "Thank you…"

"You're welcome. I saw it and I thought of you… My angel…"

Blue eyes met green as Cas looked up. Dean was chewing on his lip nervously and scratching at his bare stomach. Cas reached out and wrapped his arms around Dean's waist, pulling his closer.

Dean tumbled forwards and clambered onto the bed, pushing Cas back and leaning in to kiss him.

Cas pushed himself back up and Dean made a whimpering sound. Castiel rolled his eyes and ran his hands through Dean's short hair, messing up its usual perfect state as he pushed Dean off.

Dean fell to the floor and landed with a grunt. He grabbed a shirt that hung over the back of a chair in the corner and tugged it over his head, readjusting his gold pendant.

Cas reached out awkwardly and grabbed a fluffy, dark green sweater from his suitcase. His pulled it on and moved his new silver angel so this it was on show.

Dean grabbed Cas by the hand and they headed out into the hallway. Soft music could be heard from up there. Instrumental Christmas carols echoing welcomingly throughout the house

Cas didn't fall down the stair this time, but only because Dean insisted on picking him up and refused to put him down until they were standing in front of the Christmas tree.  
By about nine, everyone in the house was in the living room. It was warm and the smell of the tree was intoxicating. They all noticed Cas' necklace straight away and that started the present giving.

It turned out that John and Mary did buy Cas a present. It was a nice, plain blue tie.

Castiel thanked them and tried not to show how guilty he felt. He sat close to Dean the whole time and smiled and wished his parents a Merry Christmas when he handed over their presents. He zoned out for a while, too caught up in hoping the present looked like it came from two people.

"Cas!" Sam was waving a hand in front of his face.

Cas jolted back into reality and smiled briefly and John and Mary who were inspecting some bottles of wine. He turned to Sam, who was holding a bag out to him. Cas looked at the jolly Santa picture and gulped. Inside the bag was a gigantic black sweater with white stitching on it in the shape of wings.

"Dean told me where your name comes from," Sam said. "I saw it in a shop window and I thought of you."

Cas traded one fluffy sweater for the other and smiled. People seemed to be thinking of him an awful lot lately. It was surprising… and unusual. His phone went off as Dean handed over 'their' present to him, surprising everyone with the loud ringtone.

_MERRY CHRISTMAS CASSY! How are things with the BF and his parentals? XD_

Merry Christmas Anna. Things are fine.

Don't lie to me.

I'm not lying!

Hmmm well, I hope you eat lots today and get fat! 

Cas didn't bother replying. He tucked his phone away and looked at the presents Sam was opening in curiosity. Cas had never really had this sort of thing, coming from a family as big as this. When they were younger, Cas and Anna had snuck off to the nearby playground, crawled into the tunnel and sat there, talking, eating candy canes and swapping a present.

After getting ready for the day, they all spent a while playing around with their new presents and Cas smiled at the scene before him. Sam was mucking around on the IPad his parents had bought him, Dean sat on the floor trying on a new watch and John and Mary were chatting excitedly. Cas just sat there in silence, trying to tie his new tie. He wasn't very good at it and eventually John saw that he was struggling and showed him how to do it.

Mary disappeared off into the kitchen after a while to prepare lunch. She seemed to enjoy spending time in the kitchen.

There was a loud knock on the door. John opened it and more people filed into the house, a man with a beard and cap, a young blonde girl and an older woman.

"Cas," Dean stood and reached out to take Castiel's hand. "This is Bobby," the man with the beard, "Jo," the girl, "and Ellen," the woman.

Cas nodded and committed their names to memory.

Jo gave Dean a big hug when she saw him and smiled knowingly at Cas. "It's nice to meet you, finally."

Cas blushed. Did Dean talk about him? "Nice to meet you too," he mumbled and rubbed at the back of his neck with his free hand.

Dean introduced Cas to Bobby and Ellen who both seemed quite surprised, but didn't say anything.

No one seemed to care very much that Dean was introducing them to his boyfriend.

Lunch was ready then and Cas felt guilt bubbling inside of him as he stared at the feast that had been laid out on the table. So much food. A turkey, fruit, sausages, delicious looking roast vegetables. Cas hadn't done anything to deserve this. He hadn't even bought presents. He sat down and ate the meal anyway. He listened to Dean and Jo as they laughed about something that happened when they were young and he enjoyed himself. Just listening to the stories and seeing Dean smile made him happy.

And then, all too quickly, it was time to sleep. Well, Cas wasn't planning on sleeping. He didn't want to scare Dean. So he got under the covers and wrapped his hand around the angel that hung around his neck, waiting for Dean to fall asleep. Once he was snoring away, Cas got up. He went over to the chair in the corner and sat there, resting his head against the cold window, trying to stay awake.

Dean never realised that Cas hadn't slept and Castiel was grateful. They left early that morning. Lots of hugs and kisses were exchanged. Even Cas was pulled into a strangling hug from John and Mary kissed him on the cheek, smiling sweetly.

Cas sat in the back of thee impala again, staring at the house as they drove away from it. He would have like to stay there. It was an escape from reality for him. He hadn't had to think about anything. He'd just sat there and enjoyed the people surrounding him. When they arrived back at the college, everything crashed back down on him. He slept in his own dorm that night. He wanted to be alone. It turned out that that wasn't the best of ideas. He had another 'nightmare'. It was the black ooze again, and a stranger walking towards him, trying to get to him.

Cas woke to Balthazar shaking him furiously. They were out in the hallway, half standing and half collapsed on the floor. "Balthazar? What just happened?" Cas asked, rubbing his eyes and sitting on the floor properly.

"You were having a night terror" Balthazar sighed in relief. "Tried to run away and everything."

"How long was I out?"

"Not long… I think I heard you come in about an hour ago…"

A night terror…. Anna used to get those when she was a kid… So naturally, upon hearing this, Castiel called Anna. It was one of those things that couldn't be talked about via texts.

"What's up?" Anna said as soon as she answered the phone as if she already knew something was wrong. When Cas stayed silent she continued in a more serious tone. "Castiel Novak. You never call me unless it's important. Now, tell me what's going on!"

Cas sat down at the untidy desk in his room. "Balthazar thinks I'm having night terrors…" his voice was shaky.

"Do you think he's right?"

Cas nodded before remembering that Anna couldn't see him. "Yes… Yes I do…"

"Have you talked to Dean about it?"

"No…"

"You should probably do that… I'd also suggest doing a bit of research," Anna said and hung up, obviously unhappy that her sleep had been disturbed.

Cas put the phone down and turned on his laptop. The screen was way too bright in the darkness, but his eyes adjusted.

In the morning, Cas finally turned off his computer. His head was aching and his limbs felt heavy. _You should have slept, you idiot_. Castiel changed out of his pyjamas and into a pair of jeans. He tugged on the sweat Sam bought for him and walked bare-foot out of his dorm. He bumped into Balthazar and his friends on the way and had to let him know that he was alright. Balthazar was a good guy.

When he knocked on Dean's door, it was opened straight away, as though Dean had been waiting for him. Cas stumbled inside and sat on the back of the couch. "Dean… I uh…. I know what those nightmares are…" he said quietly.

Dean had obviously just come out of the shower. His hair was all wet and spiked up crazily and his white shirt had gone slightly see-through. It was sticking to him in ways that made Cas blush. "What are they?" he asked in a sleepy voice.

"Night terrors," Cas whispered.

Dean squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed at them as though this was all a dream. When he opened them again, he looked down at Cas and sighed. "Maybe you should go buy some sleeping pills or something…" He sat down next to Castiel and wrapped his arm around the man's shoulders.

"I can't…"

"Why not?"

"I don't…. I don't have any money…"

Dean stayed silent for a while. He rubbed Cas' shoulder before moving his hand into Castiel's hair.

Cas rested his head on Dean's shoulder. "It's why I didn't buy any presents…"

"You should have told me…. I could have given you money."

Cas' laugh came out as more of a… shaky breath. "Dean, you're a mechanic and you don't even get much work. You don't exactly make a fortune. I don't want your money.'

"You need help of some sort Cas…" Dean's voice was shaking slightly.

Castiel's heart panged with guilt. He was making Dean sad. You should have just kept your stupid mouth shut. "The only help I need, costs money. I'm not using your money I can't spend my own unless I give up my education. I'm not doing that. So, we just have to deal with it."

"You're not giving up sleep, Castiel."

Cas sat up properly. Dean never used his full name. "Dean I don't think I can go through it again…"

"You're not giving up sleep. I will spike your drinks to get you to sleep," Dean was serious… and angry. Before Cas could say anything, he pressed on. "I'm not taking my eyes off you from now on. You are grabbing your stuff and staying here. If you don't do that, then I'm staying in your dorm."

Cas looked down at his grubby bare feet. "You can't watch me all the time," his eyes were stinging with tears.

"Yes," Dean said, pulling Cas close. "I can… And I will."


	8. Cursed

**~~ I orginally left out a whole chunk at the start of Dean's POV, so this is the same chapter that was up before, but with that missing bit. ~~**

The night terrors had gotten out of control. Cas couldn't remember them most of the time, and when he did it was always the black ooze. Sometimes it was chasing after him, sometimes it moulded into a perfect copy of Cas only with an evil glint in its eyes and a smile that stretched way too far. More often than not, Cas was just stuck in the stuff. Drowning. Sometimes Dean was too. Other times, he would see Dean's face and not recognise him at all… Most mornings, Dean told him that he'd been thrashing about, eyes wide open, sometimes screaming or trying to run away.

Dean hardly slept anymore, so concerned with Cas that he felt the need to keep an eye on him 24/7. Dean tagged along to classes and sat there being distracting. He stayed awake, sometimes all night, to make sure that Cas was safe. To make sure that he didn't hurt himself.

Cas tried to ignore it. He tried to pretend that none of this was to do with him… that the bags, no, suitcases under Dean's eyes and the defeated, dead look in them wasn't his fault. He tried so hard, but in the end, felt nothing but guilt. Dean wasn't getting the sleep that his body needed and he was withering away to nothing. Cas was hurting him.

When Castiel woke one morning to find Dean's right eye was swollen and purple, it came as no surprise that he had inflicted the wound. He'd had one of his terrors and thrashed around so violently that when his elbow had smashed into Dean's face, it had left his eye a mess. Dean tried to tell him it was all fine, but Cast knew that it wasn't. He scooted off the bed and pressed himself into the wall, sliding down it and putting his head in his hands.

Dean held out his hand to him as he did so. "Cas, what's wrong?"

The man sounded so concerned and afraid, that Castiel's heart ached. "I can't do this anymore! You tell me to get some sleep, but I hurt you if I do! I…" he trailed off as a sob racked his entire body.

Dean narrowed his one good eye. "You're just… going through a bad patch! It'll all be fine, I promise!" There was a desperate tone in his voice and he gripped the edge of the bed so hard that his knuckles turned white.

Cas smiled sadly Well, it was more of a grimace really… a smile could never look so wounded. "These dreams, Dean… They're getting worse and I can't stop them! Things won't get better… I can't - ," Cas' breath hitched and he looked away, desperate for something to magically appear and fix things. "I can't be around you, Dean… It's like I'm cursed. You should have someone safer…"

Dean slipped off the bed and heaved Castiel to his feet. "I'd rather have _you, _Cas!" He whispered furiously. "Cursed or not!"

A tear trickled its way down Cas' cheek. He twisted the hem of Dean's shirt around his fingers absent-mindedly as he stared into the soft, beautiful green eyes. "But I don't want you… not if it means hurting you like this. If I'd known I'd be like this, I would never have asked you your name."

Dean let his hand fall to his side. He clenched his jaw and took a breath to steady himself. "Cas you _child_," he whispered and looked down at his bare feet. "We can fix this!"

"Nothing's broken! It's me. It's all me… and I'm not something that can just be fixed! I'm sorry, Dean," Castiel said, his voice rough with the tears he was refusing to shed. He stepped around Dean, got dressed, shrugged on his trench coat and left the room, leaving Dean staring out of the window to watch him go.

Dean couldn't believe what had just happened. He'd just lost Cas. Cas was gone. Dean watched the trench coat clad angel boy as he left Dean's apartment and walked very slowly down the road, as if he'd aged fifty years in the span of a few minutes. Dean turned around to face his room. The sheets were still tangled and Cas' sweater was hanging on the door knob. Had Cas left it there on purpose? No. He had just been in a hurry. Dean groaned. He'd been in a hurry to get away. He slammed his head back against the window, the glass shaking. He closed his eyes and slid to the floor, shaking and hurting and feeling just generally miserable. He was alone, so he let it all out. He screamed angrily and let the tears flood from his eyes, smashing his fist into the floor and tearing at the carpet. His head started to ache and his knuckles were bleeding as he dragged himself off of the floor only to stumble and collapse on his bed. On Cas' side. Only it wasn't his side any more…. Because Cas was gone. Dean cried into the mattress, glad that his sobs were muffled. After a while, he cried himself to sleep.

Dean slept for the whole day, only to wake when there was a knock on the door. He half fell out of the bed, groggy and wobbly. Part of him thought that maybe Cas had come back, but that was stupid. Cas was gone and staying gone. He staggered out of his small bedroom and threw open the door, prodding at his sore eye as his brother came into view.

"Wow," Sam came in, "you look like hell…"

Dean grunted and sat down in one of his couches.

"What happened?" Sam's concerned voice made Dean's stomach churn.

"Nothing. Cas left," Dean whispered. He hadn't meant for it to come out like that. He'd meant to sound strong, and as though everything was fine. Instead, he sounded wounded and terrified.

"Cas did that you?!" He gestured at the swollen eye. "What did you do to him man?"

"I didn't do anything. Cas just elbowed me in his sleep."

Sam flicked his hair out of his eyes and sat next to Dean, who shifted away slightly. "Have you been crying?"

Dean wiped his eyes angrily. "No. I haven't." His voice cracked again. He just couldn't hide how broken up he was.

"Why did he go?"

Dean shrugged. It made no sense to him. How could Cas fix himself? He'd be better off with Dean to look after him. Dean could have paid for something to help. If only Cas would accept the help that he needed. "Why are you here, Sammy?"

"I'm going away today… Remember? That trip I've been planning for ages? I thought I'd come and say goodbye…"

Dean slapped himself mentally. How could he forget? Sam had been planning this road trip with his friends for years. "I hope you have a good time, Sammy."

Sam frowned. "I won't go if you don't want me to…"

Dean gave Sam a shove. "No. I'm fine. It's only a few weeks. Go," he didn't want to ruin everything for Sam. "Go!" He practically started pushing his brother out the door.

Sam stopped in the doorway and pulled his brother into a hug. "If you need anything… Just call me. Okay? Don't just… bottle everything up." He left.

Dean shut the door and leant back against it. He couldn't talk to anyone about this. Well, he supposed that there was always Anna… but she was on Cas' 'side' and probably wouldn't help that much. Besides, Dean still felt a bit uncomfortable around her. He remembered the feeling of guilt that had pretty much choked him as he'd kissed her at that party. He'd had feelings for Cas already, yet he still kissed the attractive red head. Then he'd seen Cas fall and his heart had started pounding, his stomach had done a backflip and Dean knew that Cas was special.

Dean's apartment was empty. It was too quiet and he didn't know what to do. What was there to do without Cas? Who would he go watch movies with? Who would he walk with in the park? Who would he talk to? Dean didn't really have anyone else…. Sure, he'd hang out with a few people… mostly guys who regularly came to the garage… but there wasn't really anyone else he was close to. Cas had been his best friend…. And now he was gone. i_Why couldn't he have just listened to me?!_ /iThey could have fixed it…

Dean grabbed a beer from his fridge and sat down again, staring at his reflection in the small television. He barely recognised himself. He looked so tired and warn out. He didn't know what he was going to do with his life now…. For so long, Castiel had _been _his life.

Dean went through a lot of alcohol in the next few weeks. He was hardly ever sober, he never left his apartment and he spent a lot of time just sitting on his bed, staring aimlessly out of the window. He hoped that one day he'd see Cas walking back along that path, but he never did. He ignored calls from his brother and he spent hours on end just staring at Castiel's name in the contacts list on his phone, debating whether or not to call. Luckily, he still had enough common sense to know that calling him while in this state was a bad idea.

When Sam got back from his trip, he knocked loudly on Dean's door for half an hour, but Dean ignored it, pretending that he wasn't home.

He didn't want to talk. He just wanted to sit in silence and drown himself in alcohol and misery. Of course, he couldn't avoid his brother forever and when Sam came knocking and shouting for the third time that week, Dean somehow managed to stagger over and unlock the door.

Sam glared at Dean and took the beer bottle from him. "You stink," he said and barged in.

Dean swayed on the spot. "No you…. Stink,' he said, fighting the urge to empty his guts all over the floor.

Sam sighed, grabbed the collar of Dean's two week old shirt and literally dragged him into the bathroom. Despite Dean's protests, Sam turned on the shower and held Dean under the water.

Dean coughed and spluttered and lashed out at his brother. "Dude, please," he managed to choke out as he tried to avoid inhaling water.

Sam pulled him out and let him fall to the floor. "You need to clean yourself up," he said. He pointed at the shower. "You stink, Dean. Now take a shower."

Dean sighed and stripped off his already soaking t-shirt. He kicked his pants off and sat in the shower, letting the warm water wash away his thoughts. He curled his knees to his chest and turned his face up so that the water droplets fell on his face. He knew that he couldn't go on like this. He'd have to face the fact the Cas was gone. He'd have to go out into the real world at some point. i_Not yet…/i_

Sam came back in with some fresh jeans a shirt for Dean. He dumped them in the corner of the room before emptying pretty much an entire bottle of shampoo over his brother's head.

Dean groaned as washed the soap off, along with the dirt that had been collecting on his skin. He felt better once he was clean. Almost human. He pulled on the clean clothes and headed into his bedroom. He tugged the black sweater from the chair and handed it to Sam, who was hovering behind him. "Cas left this behind… "

Sam looked down at it briefly before going back to staring at Dean. "It was a present," he said. "I'll make sure he gets it back…"

Dean nodded. He rubbed at his eyes and looked at a hole in the knee of his jeans. "Let's go get a coffee," he mumbled.

Sam smiled slightly and clapped a hand on Dean's shoulder. "That sounds like a good idea," Sam kept smiling.

Dean couldn't help smiling too. His brother's smile was infectious. He slipped on a pair of shoes and wandered out the door with Sam right behind him. _I can do this,_ he thought for the first time in a month. _I will get through this. _

And he tried. He really tried.


	9. Party

Cas re-set his alarm every night, based on what time he was going to sleep. Sometimes he would start having a night terror before it went off, and the loud beeping wouldn't do a thing to wake him, but sometimes it would go off and Cas would wake, having only been asleep for an hour. He could fall back to sleep then and very, very rarely, did he have another terror. It was the only thing he could really do to help himself. He was trying to get better. To fix himself. The money situation got worse and worse and soon, he found himself accepting baskets of food from Balthazar. He gave them back when they first started arriving, but slowly, he lost the energy to do anything.

Balthazar would invite him out for dinner sometimes. To some fancy restaurant where he would pay for everything.

Cas often sat across from Balthazar with his head in his hands. The romantic candle that sat between them made his heart ache._ You're single now, buddy, he reminded himself. You can be with someone else if you want to…_ Cas stopped that thought as soon as he realised where it was going. He didn't want to be with anyone. Ever. He didn't want to be responsible for injuring someone else.

Those dinners were often quite awkward, though thankfully, Balthazar never talked to Castiel about anything more than the weather, or something he'd learned in class. Cas was glad to have the Englishman's company. That voice constantly chatting away somewhat distracted him from the hole in his heart. He hadn't realised it, but he supposed the hole must have been there long before Dean had come along. Dean had filled it. And now it was there once again and it hurt.

When Cas had trudged into the café after walking out on Dean, he'd been a mess, hair all ruffled, shirt untucked and tears streaking lines down his cheeks.

Anna had ran up to him and thrown her arms around him. "What happened?"

Cas could hardly breathe, but somehow he'd managed to tell her.

Anna had pulled back from him then and glared at him, a 'you're dead to me' look in her eyes and her mouth pressed into a thin line. She'd flicked her long red hair over her shoulder and spun on her heels. She came back to the seat Cas had collapsed in and handed him a mug of steaming chocolaty goodness. She'd sat down opposite him and narrowed her eyes.

Cas chugged down the warm drink and slammed his head down on the table.

"I spat in that," Anna said suddenly. "I hope you get sick."

Cas' eyes flickered from the empty mug beside him to the mischievous and angry look in Anna's eyes.

Anna had ignored him for a while after that. Not that there'd been much of a person to ignore.

Cas pulled back from everyone. He hid. Even when he was sitting in his classes, he was only just managing not to burst into tears. Might as well give up the education now…. Not like anything is sinking in…

He would have given up too, if Balthazar hadn't dragged him out of his room and forced him back into the world.

As Cas sat in the park, thinking about the two months that had passed, he saw a familiar face in the distance.

It was Sam. He was smiling cheerfully and clutching something in his hands. He wasn't smiling at Cas and the smile faded as he got closer.

Cas looked around for Dean. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to see him or not. He didn't. Dean was nowhere in sight.

"Hey, Castiel…' Sam said awkwardly. "You left this at Dean's place."

It was the sweater Sam had given him for Christmas. Cas took it from him and looked down at it. His hand automatically went to the small silver angel hanging around his neck. Just touching it made him feel better and worse at the same time. Better, because Cas felt he was doing what was right for Dean, but worse, because Cas missed him with all his heart. "Thanks… Sam?"

Sam had been about to leave, but he turned back to stare down at Cas. He looked angry. He was staring at Cas like he was the worst human being alive.

"How is he….?" Cas mumbled. He felt like curling up into a ball as soon as the question passed his lips. He didn't want to know. The answer could only hurt.

"How is he?" Sam looked taken aback by the question. "He's pretending to cope. He fell apart, Cas." Sam put his hands on his hips and pursed his lips together.

Cas blinked up at the sky. It was cloudy, but bright and he had to squint. He liked the sky when it was like this. It was something he could just stare at. It wouldn't change; the sun wouldn't suddenly come out and blind him. He could just stare up at it and get lost in the shades of grey. "He'll be fine." Cas hugged the sweater to his chest and smelt it. It seemed like a strange thing to do, but it smelt vaguely like Dean. I mean, it had been sitting in his apartment for over two months now.

Sam shook his head sadly. "You're an idiot."

Cas looked up again.

"The reason you left, it was stupid. Dean could help you, if you only let him!" Sam turned and walked away, shoving his hands into his short tan jacket.

Cas wanted to just sit there with his thoughts for a while, but Balthazar had already seen him and was jogging over. Cas tugged the black sweater over his head and tried to look happy. Balthazar wouldn't shut up if Cas looked as bad as he felt.

Balthazar stood back a bit to admire Cas' attire before grabbing his sleeve and starting to drag him away. "Come on," he said moving to hold the other man's hand.

Cas froze and pulled his hand back. He wiped it on his blue jeans as though Balth had sneezed on it.

Balth's face fell and re adjusted his sort of… well, velvet looking jacket. He coughed awkwardly and took hold of Castiel's sleeve again.

"Where are we going?" Cas asked.

"To a party."

"I don't…. really… like parties…"

"You don't get a say in this," Balthazar laughed and he began walking again. They went back to their dorm and Balthazar went in to Cas' room, opening the wardrobe and looking through the clothes inside.

"What are you doing?" Cas sat on his bed, pulling at a thread on his quilt.

"Finding you something more appropriate to wear…" He pulled out a pair of black jeans with a hole in one knee, a dark grey t shirt and one of Cas' button up shirts. It was a dark red

Cas looked at the clothes that had just been tossed at him. He avoided wearing these jeans because they were too tight. Not uncomfortably so, but they made him all self-conscious. He bit his lip and looked to his bedside table. There was a book sitting there that was just begging him to re-read it, but he didn't want to say no to Balthazar so he just sighed and changed.

Balth watched him the entire time; eye brows raised a wicked grin on his face. He picked up the button up shirt and handed it to Cas. "Keep it unbuttoned," he said.

Cas pulled it on and looked at himself in the mirror on the wall. He didn't look like himself. He didn't _feel _like himself…

Balthazar made a clicking sound with his tongue in appreciation. "Much better," he muttered to himself.

Cas tried to swallow the lump in his throat as Balth wrapped a hand around his wrist and dragged him from the room. "I'm not wearing shoes," Cas said and stopped.

Balthazar disappeared for a moment into his own room across the hall. He came back out with a pair of black converse chucks.

Cas slipped them on, but before he could tie them up, he was being dragged out the door.

Balthazar tried desperately to keep a conversation going as they sat in his car. "So Cas…. Have you had any more of those weird dreams about being an angel?" He asked.

Cas didn't like that question. Those dreams had been about Dean… but Balth wasn't asking about Dean, he was asking about the dreams, so Cas took a deep breath and shook his head. "The last one I had was before the first time I remembered a night terror…"

"What happened in it?"

Cas sighed. It hadn't been a pleasant dream. It had been closer to a nightmare…. "I was trying to be God," he whispered, thudding his head back against the head rest and closing his eyes.

"God," Balthazar repeated as if to confirm that he'd heard it correctly.

"Yes. I… I was doing what I thought God should be doing…. What God wasn't doing… And then I don't know," he scratched at his head. "I think I was dying or something… I remember apologizing to… Someone…." Cas had been apologizing to Dean in his dream, but he didn't want to say the name. "The last thing in the dream was like, all this light coming from my chest and this huge hole in a wall…. So I guess I died," Cas shrugged. "And then I started remembering the terrors… and the dreams stopped."

Balthazar obviously didn't know what to say and just sat there quietly until they pulled up out the front of a huge white house with a heap of massive glass windows and what looked like a jumping castle out the front. "This is going to be so much fun…" Balthazar grinned and pulled Cas from the car.

The rest of the night went by in a blur. Castiel could remember alcohol, dancing, loud music, bright lights and a bed rushing up towards him. He could remember seeing Dean's face from across the crowd and he remembered not caring. He didn't remember anything else. Not until he woke up in strange bed, in a strange room. It was all strange to him, and yet horribly familiar. It was the same furniture, the same wallpaper and basic design as his own room. Only this wasn't his room. His suspicions were confirmed when the bathroom door opened and someone very familiar stepped out. Stark naked, a towel slung over his arm.

Balthazar.

~~

Dean was sitting in the impala. He liked being in the car more than he did his apartment. Over two months since Cas had left his apartment and Dean was still hiding away from the world. He went out with Sam for drinks and he smiled, pretending to be okay, but his brother wasn't stupid. Dean couldn't fool him forever. For now though, fooling Sam was all he could do. He was blasting Eye of the Tiger when Sam tapped on the car door. Dean jumped and turned the radio off immediately, embarrassed that he'd been caught air drumming.

Sam smiled and shook his head. He opened the door. "Cas has the sweater back," he said.

Dean frowned. "I gave it to you like, a month ago…"

"Yes, and I forgot about it until this morning."

"So you _just _saw him?"

"Yes, but we're not going to talk about him. We're going to a party!"

Dean groaned. "Go by yourself, Sammy! Don't you have a girlfriend?" Dean had heard nothing but talk of Sam's new girlfriend for the last few weeks and it was getting annoying.

Sam nodded. "Jess is sick… Besides, you need to have some fun… Maybe you'll see a guy you like."

Dean just glared at him. "I'm not gay, Sam."

"But Castiel…"

"Yeah, he's a dude, but I'm not gay. It's not _guys _. It's just him. It _was_… It was only Cas…." Dean was still glaring. His eyes were lifeless and his hair was just sitting flat on his head. He'd almost started growing a beard thing too…. It was a mess of stubble that was just leaving the stubble faze and making its way towards being a proper beard. Dean knew that Cas wouldn't like it, but Cas was gone.

"Alright… Well, it'll be fun anyway! What do you say?"

Dean's first instinct was to say 'Cas doesn't like parties', but Cas was gone and that wasn't an excuse he could use anymore. He sighed and nodded, handing the car keys to his brother and stepping out of the car.

Sam seemed confused for a moment.

"You drive," was all Dean said as he opened Sam's door and pulled his brother out.

Sam always seemed surprised when Dean let him drive. He hardly let Sam _touch_ his baby, let alone be in charge of keeping it in one piece.

Dean was holding onto his seat for dear life as Sam set off. He didn't really want to let Sam drive, but he felt as though he'd be less reliable on the road than he usually was. He couldn't stay focussed.

The party was massive. It was an unusual time of day (about 5 in the afternoon) for a party this big really, but Dean had no doubt that it would roll over into the early hours of the morning.

Dean dragged his feet as he followed Sam into the crowded house. The curtains were drawn on the massive windows so pretty much everywhere was dark. He didn't want to be there and he immediately found a particularly dark corner to sit in with a beer. He sat with the chair facing the wall and refused to dance when Sam came over with a lovely young girl. Dean barely registered that she was pretty.

Sam tried a few times without success, to get his older brother onto the dance floor.

Dean didn't want his help. He stayed with his lonely beer bottle and sipped at it, letting the loud music flood his mind. When the beer ran out, Dean sighed. He'd have to leave his dark corner. He'd have to face the world. So he slid from his seat and walked over to grab another. That's when he saw him. A man, dressed in tight black jeans, a tight grey t shirt and a red button up shirt. A man with a mess of dark brown hair and kind, sad blue eyes that sparkled when the light hit them just right.

It was Castiel. Castiel wasn't dressed like himself. He was smiling stupidly at the ceiling and the glittering disco ball that hung from it. He was drunk… and dancing. He was swaying on the spot like he didn't have a care in the world.  
Then, just as Dean was thinking about tearing his gaze away, a man with short, dirty blond hair stepped forward, wrapped his hand around Cas' neck and kissed him right on the lips.


	10. Fight For It

It was Balthazar. Balthazar was kissing Castiel.

Dean just stood there in shock. He had met Balthazar a few times. He'd never seemed particularly interested in Cas… Now Balthazar was kissing him. Dean hated him then… Him and his stupid V-necks. Dean stood there for what felt like hours, unable to move or to think of anything other than his Castiel kissing some English douche nozzle in a V neck.

"Dean what are you… oh…" Sam was standing by his side, following his gaze to Cas and Balthazar.

Dean turned away, grabbing his beer and stalking out of the gigantic house. His insides felt like they were boiling and tears were leaking from his eyes. He sucked in a breath through his teeth and doubled over in the driveway. A little part of him had been clinging on to the fact that maybe, just maybe, Cas was as miserable as him. Now it seemed that that wasn't true and that part of Dean broke. He was alone in his misery. Cas didn't care. He didn't need Dean. Not as us much as Dean needed him.

"Dean?" Sam was jogging up to him. He put a hand on his brother's back and frowned at him.

Dean stood up straight and turned his face to the sky. It was dark now, but he couldn't see the stars. He felt any hint of happiness draining away.

Sam was talking to him.

Dean couldn't hear what he was saying. He forced a small smile and practically ran down the path. He headed straight past his car and down the road, walking until he was in the park. It was right in the middle of everything, its bare tree towering over him, just starting to grow their leaves back.. Dean sat down under the pavilion and just stared off into space, trying to forget what he'd just seen, but the image of Balthazar and Cas kissing was seared onto his brain. He shivered and zipped up his greenish jacket. He wished it would get warmer already... It had been too cold for too long. He didn't like the cold. After a while, Dean saw his Impala through the tree. He saw Sam get out and start walking towards him.

"Dean, I'm sorry…" Sam said. "Are you okay?"

Dean got to his feet. "Sure. Why wouldn't I be?" he cleared his throat and tried to look as confident and tough as he could.

Sam glared at him.

Dean shrugged and pushed past him. If Sam knew that Dean wasn't okay, why did he ask in the first place? Dean looked at his car for a second. He looked at the pile of cassettes that sat on the back seat and debated driving away and not coming back. He thought momentarily about leaving this place behind… but he couldn't do that. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't leave. Because as stupid as it was, Dean still believed that Castiel needed him. Dean walked up to the car and slid into the passenger side.

Sam drove them back to Dean's building and dragged his half unconscious brother up the flight of stairs. The half fell into the room and Sam scowled at Dean, who was making things difficult on purpose.

Dean shooed Sam away and sat down on the couch, yawning and stretching out his legs. He turned on the TV and tried not to care. He tried not to care about anything, but it all hurt too much. So when he finally gave up on trying, he closed his eyes and slept.

Cas flipped out of the bed and raced around, searching desperately for his clothes.

Balthazar just smiled at him. "Good morning darling," he said, throwing the towel on the bed carelessly. He started walking towards Castiel.

"Stay away from me," Cas growled. His head was aching and he felt dizzy and sick._ What did I do?!_ Cas was panicking. He pulled on his clothes as fast as he could and took one last horrified look at Balth before racing from the room. Once he was safely in his own room he leant against the door, eyes wide and heart thudding. He didn't remember doing what he'd obviously done. He'd been drunk. He hadn't been thinking. The thought of sleeping with Balthazar was repulsive. It scared him, actually. If he could do that, did that mean he was getting over Dean? Was he finally getting over him? No. He couldn't be. He'd been drunk. When Cas thought back to the previous night, he remembered seeing Dean's face. Had Dean… seen anything? What if he had? What if Dean was upset? _No. He wouldn't care. You left him, he probably hates you,_he reasoned with himself.

_Are you talking to me?_Cas texted Anna. He hadn't spoken with her in ages, and the last time he had, she'd been in a very bad mood

_Perhaps… Why?_

_Because I think I just had sex with Balthazar and I need someone to talk to._

It took a good five minutes (which Cas spent banging his head against the wall) for Anna's reply to come through._ **BALTHAZAR!? **_

Yes. I'm really grossed out right now and I seriously need help!

I guess I'll meet you in the park then?

Sure.

Cas got changed again, back into the fluffy black angel sweater and a comfortable pair of blue jeans. He opened the door a crack to make sure that Balth wasn't lurking around in the corridor before he made a dash for it. I pretty much sprinted down the street and crossed the road without looking for cars. He made his way to the seat where he always met Anna. She wasn't there yet and Cas used this time taking deep breaths and trying to scrub thoughts of naked Balthazar from his mind. He closed his eyes for a few second and when he opened them he saw a familiar face peering at him from a little way away.

Dean… Dean seemed to jump a little when he realised that he'd been spotted and looked down at the ground as he walked over. You can't just walk away and leave after you've been seen like that…

Cas fought the urge to run. To turn and hide behind a tree or something. The truth was that Cas knew he'd been stupid. He'd been such an illogical idiot when he'd hurt Dean, but he'd still hurt him and he was too ashamed to crawl back and beg for forgiveness.

"Hello Dean…" He huffed, squinting as he looked anywhere but those green eyes.

"Hey... How are you?" Dean shuffled his feet awkwardly, focussing on the pattern of wings on Cas' chest.

"I'm better…"

"Yeah? Have you got a job or…?"

"No… Balthazar's been kind enough to help me out."

Dean looked like he was going to explode. He almost did, too. "Balthazar…" he whispered, his voice shaky and angry. "You wouldn't let me buy you sleeping pills! But you let freaking Balthazar…." He cut off, clearly finding it difficult to contain his emotions.

Cas took a step back. "He didn't give me a choice," Cas sounded as though he was pleading, and he was. Pleading for Dean to understand, even if he didn't understand it himself. "He just kept showing up with food…"

"HE'S BEEN FEEDING YOU!?"

"Dean, I don't like it any more than you do!"

Dean pursed his lips and nodded his head slightly, eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets. "Sure. So you were making out with him against your will last night, where you?"

Cas didn't know what to say. He didn't remember doing that, so he couldn't exactly answer the question… But Drunk Castiel should never be responsible for his actions.

Dean laughed kind of hysterically and took a deep breath. He licked his lips and took a step forward. "Look at me, Cas."

Cas grimaced as he lifted his head up and stared straight into those painfully beautiful hazel-green eyes. "What?" He felt like crying.

"Are you sleeping with him?" He sounded so tired and hurt and he was looking at Cas with eyes completely devoid of happiness.

Cas' eyes flickered around at the trees as he tried to think of a response. "No…" he muttered.

Dean growled. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you haven't slept with him."

That was a different question… a question that was much more difficult to answer. Cas tried to keep his eyes locked on the green. He swallowed that huge lump in his throat and balled his hands into fists at his side. He couldn't do it. He looked down at Dean's boot clad feet.

Dean half gasped and half choked on air. He made a funny little whimpering sound and took a breath that was so shaky it was heart breaking. "Damn it Cas," he whispered, sounding utterly defeated. "We could have fixed it…"

Cas sniffed, pulling the sleeves of his sweater down over his hands. "I know," was all he said before Dean walked past him.

He looked as though his limbs were weighing him down, but it was really just his thoughts. His feet barely lifted up off the ground as he left.

Cas collapsed onto the seat, leaning his elbows on his knees and looking up at the sky. Perhaps God would help him… Perhaps he'd make things better… or at least give him some guidance. What am I supposed to do? He felt the tears trickling down his face and he brushed them away. He felt so lost and disgusted with himself that he wanted to tear at his hair and scream until his throat burnt. He didn't though… mostly because Anna was walking through the trees and shrubs towards him.

It seemed as though she was going to say something nasty, but she took one look at Castiel's face and obviously decided against it. She sat down next to him and took his hand in hers. Her eyebrows knitted together in concern. "What happened?"

Cas tried to get the words out, but it seemed as though they were stuck in his throat. So he just wrapped his arms around the redhead beside him and hugged her.

She made a little 'being strangled' sound and pushed at Cas half-heartedly. "Is this about Balthazar?"

"A little," Cas managed to get out and he sat back, squeezing Anna's hand tightly. "Dean hates me. He really hates me…. And all because I was an idiot."

"You weren't an idiot… You were scared."

Cas smiled sadly and let his breathing slow. "I love you Anna," he murmured and planted a kiss on the top of her head.

"I know," she said. "Now… Balthazar?"

"I was drunk…"

"Aaahh… You let Drunk Castiel off the leash…" She nodded in understanding.

"Dean… Dean said he saw us kissing… I don't remember… All I know is that I woke up in Balthazar's bed with no clothes on!"

Anna stayed quiet for a while, thinking. "Avoid him for a bit then tell him you're not interested."

"Yeah… only, he's the only reason I haven't lost all of my money."

Anna smacked him on the head. "You idiot! You have me! I have a job! Cas, you have friends! Real friends!"

Cas seemed taken aback by this outburst and he didn't know what to say.

Anna continued. "A while ago you had Dean too…. And his family… "

Cas bit his lip and nodded. "What should I do?"

"You should get Dean back!"

"Anna, he hates me! He doesn't want me back!"

"My God, Cas! Grow some balls!" Anna put a hand to her head and shook it in despair. "Do you still love him?" She asked, looking back up.

Cas thought about it for a moment, though he really didn't need to. "Yes…"

"You want him back?"

"Yes…"

"If you want something, you have to fight to get it, right?"

Cas nodded.

"Then start fighting."


	11. Distractions

Cas went to class early, trying to avoid Balthazar. He felt bad about everything that had been going on and it was nice to just sit back and listen to someone talk about uncomplicated things. He then hung back after class to have a very in depth conversation with the AT about the effects of violent computer games on kids. He dragged it out for as long as he could before he finally left and trudged back to his room. Anna hadn't really been much help on the 'getting Dean back front'. Cas didn't know how he was supposed to do it. He supposed that the first thing he could do was let Dean know that Balthazar was nothing to him. That sounded like a good idea.

"Cas!" Balthazar called out to him. He was clutching a heap of books to his chest and looking a bit down in the dumps.

Cas' stomach flipped and not in that good way. Not in the way it had every time Dean had smiled at him. He shuffled past Balth. "Sorry, got a paper to write," he mumbled and raced into his room. He didn't have anything else to do, so he sat down at his desk and actually did what he'd said. He fell asleep after a few hours, his head landing on the rough wooden desk with a thud.

A hand was wrapped around his throat. It pulled him upright and he clawed at it uselessly, suddenly very awake. He kicked back and the hand let go. He spun to face it. A hooded figure stood in front of him, shoulders shaking as he chuckled lightly.

Cas had to get out. He had to. He launched himself through the door. The hooded man was after him and he couldn't let him catch up.

That was all Cas could think of. Getting out. He was running through the black ooze. It was slowing him down and blurring his vision. He had to get out of it and away from the hooded man. Cas pushed through it, using all of his strength. He turned his head back to watch the hooded figure, but he kept running. Then something smacked into him and he went flying. The black faded away and Cas was lying on the side of the road, strong arms holding him.

"What the Hell, Cas!?" Dean sounded out of breath and he let go of Cas in a hurry, his cheeks noticeably red, even in the dark.

Cas huffed at a strand of hair that was dangling in front of his eyes and looked up at Dean, who had clambered to his feet.

"What was that about, anyway? Were you _trying_ to kill yourself?"

"I was… I was asleep," Cas whispered. This was his chance to start fighting. He could make things better, start closing the gap that had grown between them.

"I thought you were better."

"I am…" Cas knew he was about to start crying, so he sat on the curb properly and stared down at his shoes. _Say something! Don't just sit there, you have a chance to make things right! _

"Castiel!" Balthazar was racing out of the building.

Cas groaned and shook his hair so that it hid his face a bit. He needed a haircut…. He'd missed his opportunity.

"Are you okay?" Balthazar put his hand on Cas' head gently and Cas shook him off. Balth turned to Dean. "What are you doing here, Winchester?" He asked, sneering slightly.

Cas glared up at him. He was going to scare Dean off. He was going to make him even angrier.

"Listen. Cas doesn't need you anymore. He's got me now," Balthazar just kept talking, making things worse and worse.

Cas wanted to shout at him, to tell him to shut up. He wanted to go to Dean and tell him that Balthazar was nothing to him. But he couldn't. He was frozen in place.

Dean's face was blank. He was just staring at Balthazar with cold, empty eyes.

Cas' stomach churned. It wasn't right. Dean's eyes weren't supposed to be like that. They were supposed to be sparkly, kind and full of life….

Dean turned and left without saying a word.

Balthazar nodded to himself and winked at Cas.

Cas finally managed to struggle to his feet, but he still couldn't say anything, so he just pulled back his fist and slammed it into Balthazar's face before walking off. He didn't go back to his dorm. In fact, he didn't realise it, but he'd headed off in the exact same direction as Dean. He never caught up to him, though he did walk behind him with his head just in his view. He debated racing up to him and begging for forgiveness. Cas knew that he'd been stupid when he'd left Dean. He knew that staying with Dean would probably have been better for him. With Dean, there was less stress. His fist was slowly starting to ache. Punching people in the face hurts….

~~

Dean was walking away from Cas. It seemed like they were taking turns walking away from each other… Only now, Dean had been the one walking away twice. He felt like he'd been stabbed in the gut. Stupid freakin' Balthazar! He hadn't expected anything to happen when he'd left Sam's dorm. He had only been there in the first place to give him back something he'd left in the Impala and to prove that he was doing okay. Then he'd seen Cas; shirt half untucked from his jeans and hair all messy, running towards the road. A car had been heading for him, but Cas wasn't slowing down. Dean hadn't hesitated. He'd sprinted right in front of that car and launched himself at Cas, slamming him out of the way. They'd fallen to the side of the road and for a moment, Dean had forgotten about the pain and hugged Cas tightly, happy that he wasn't injured. Then he'd remembered the park and he'd practically pushed him, almost disgusted. Now, Dean was walking away, a sick feeling in his stomach.

Cas had Balthazar. Cas didn't need Dean.

That hurt. That really hurt. More than anything had hurt before. Dean pushed up the sleeves of his shirt and leant against his car. He stared up at the sky. Even the stars seemed to mock him. They made him feel small, like he was nothing. That's what he was. Nothing. Dean didn't cry, though to be honest he felt like bawling his eyes out and whinging to Sam like a little girl. He didn't want Sam to worry about him. He didn't want anyone to worry about him. He wasn't worth the fuss. So Dean just slid into the driver's seat of his car and turned on some music. Bon Jovi was awesome on occasion. He listened to the music, resting his head against the steering wheel and tapping his fingers on his knees lightly. When the song ended, he started up the engine and headed back to his place. He parked outside and stayed in the Impala, staring off into space, trying not to think of anything. That didn't work out so well. Unwanted thoughts just kept on butting their way into his mind.

There was a clap of thunder overhead and the dark clouds burst, raindrops pelting the windscreen. The rain seemed more like a wall of water than individual drops.

Dean groaned and left the car, racing as fast as he could into the building. He was soaked already. When he got up into his apartment, he tugged off his soaking shirt and let it fall to the floor. He ruffled his hair and let drops of water fly. He kicked off his shoes and headed towards the bathroom, but his foot stood on something that was not carpet and he stopped. Dean lifted his foot and looked down. It was an orange envelope. He picked it up and sat at one of the stools by the kitchen bench/table. He slid out its contents and looked down at the pieces of paper, his stomach tying itself in a knot. It was his Christmas present from Cas. A drawing and a story. It was the story of Cas' dreams… Dean hadn't read it all the way through, but it was there in Castiel's cramped curly handwriting, covering the page completely on both sides. Dean was painted as the hero in this story… Some hunter who was destined to save the world or something like that. When Dean let the story fall to the bench, his stomach dropped. He felt hollow. The drawing in front of him was beautiful. It was a drawing of him and Cas, lying in the park. There were shadowy wings on the grass and Cas was holding Dean's hand. It looked like it could have been a black and white photo, but it wasn't. It was Cas' drawing. Dean pushed the pieces of paper away from him. He slammed his head down on the bench and shut his eyes, feeling just generally like a bad human being. How could he still care so much about someone who obviously didn't give two shakes of a rat's ass about him? _Is that right? Do rats shake their ass, or is it something else?_

The next day, Dean went to work. He smiled at the customers and chatted away as cheerfully as he could. It was nice, getting into the familiar routine and letting his mind fill with thoughts of cars and engines and the stories of his customers. True, they weren't very interesting stories, but that was okay. Hearing about their boring problems was way better than thinking about his own.

He was having a pretty normal day when suddenly his boss slammed open the door to the shop and stormed up to Dean. "I can't believe this! Garth quit! He quit!" Michael growled and rubbed at a grease spot on his chin. He sighed. "Do you know anyone who might need a job?"

Dean didn't really think about it, he just shook his head and watched as Michael tugged his cap over his eyes and drooped his way out of the building, seeming a little deflated.

Garth had only been working here for about two months and from what Dean gathered, he never stayed in the one job for that long. It wasn't surprising that he had quit… What _was_ surprising, was that somehow, he was still alive.

Everyone in the shop was silent and Dean just sort of stood there, cradling a bunch of tools in his arms awkwardly, halfway through sorting out a box of new bits and bobs.

Then an old man tapped Dean on the shoulder. "Son, could you tell me which one of these I should get?" He asked loudly, his voice shaky with old age. He held up two nearly identical hunks of metal and squinted at Dean over the top of his glasses.

"Sure thing gramps," Dean mumbled and got back to doing what he had been doing before.

~~

When Cas finally stumbled back to his dorm, dodging around the entwined couple in the hallway, he just sat on his bed. He picked up his pillow and hugged it to his chest, shivering slightly. He didn't want to sleep. Sleeping seemed to ruin everything. Either that or it was Cas himself who ruined everything.

So he didn't sleep. He cleaned up his messy room (somehow managing to find all of his missing socks), finished all the work he needed to do and went for another little work around campus. When he got to the small fountain he slipped off his shoes, rolled up his jeans and let his feet splash around in the water. The trickling sound and the feeling of water rushing over his feet calmed him. He imagined every bad thought, every stressful thing in his life just being washed away. His note book was sitting next to him, begging him to write something. Castiel had hardly touched the thing in months. He turned it over in his hands and opened it to a blank page. He pulled out the pen that sat uncomfortably in the pocket of his jeans.

_I let the water wash away the thoughts.  
Let it clean the slate.  
Clean my soul.  
This is what I need.  
I need to forget.  
What's the use of all those memories?  
They just take up space.  
I want to go back  
To start again. _

It wasn't his best scribble ever. Cas was too tired for anything half decent. He didn't even care. He just had to get something down. Cas closed the book again and set it back down, tucking the pen behind his ear.

"Hey, Castiel," someone waved at him from across the courtyard, their face illuminated eerily by the bright lights. It was someone from one of Cas' classes. They didn't stop to chat or ask any stupid questions. Most people just left him alone. He liked that most of the time… but there were some days (and nights) when Cas wished that someone would actually notice that he was unhappy. He wished that someone he barely knew would ask what was wrong and actually want to hear the answer. Everyone just assumed that he was okay because he was always quiet. He wasn't acting any different than usual. People just assume that they know what usual is…

Cas spun around and shook off his feet. He picked up his shoes, grabbed his notebook and left his jeans rolled up as he made his way slowly back to his room. He sat down on his bed and once again just stared at the blank wall across from him. He'd been planning on hanging something up there, but he'd never gotten around to it. Cas still didn't sleep.

He made it through the next day without bumping into Balthazar and without falling asleep, though he was getting increasingly tired and grumpy.

The next day, however, he walked straight into Balthazar as soon as he left his room.

Balthazar's cheek was bruised pretty badly.

Cas looked down at his hand and remembered the dull ache in his knuckles after he's slammed his fist into Balthazar's face. "I'm sorry about hitting you," he muttered.

Balth crossed his arms and just stared silently.

"I was drunk, Balthazar… I made a mistake."

Balthazar nodded. "I thought… after all that time… I just thought… Why did you come out to dinner with me?"

Cas felt heat spreading through his cheeks. "I didn't exactly have any other options…"

"You didn't have to hit me, you know," Balthazar looked totally different then. He look small and embarrassed and vulnerable. It was weird.

Cas kicked at the floor and leant back against the wall, exhausted. "I hated you for a while then. I thought that maybe I could fix things with Dean… and that you were ruining my chances…"

"I was trying to," Balthazar whispered, his eyes looked all watery, like he was going to cry. "We could make this work, Cas…"

Cas shook his head, sighing heavily. "I can't do that to you. I'd only be doing it for your money and that isn't fair." He pushed off from the wall and headed off to grab a coffee before class, leaving Balthazar behind. He felt awful.

Cas walked into the café, sleeves pushed up, creasing the material. For once he wasn't wearing a jacket or anything. It was finally getting warmer.

Anna was there immediately, pulling him into a hug and trying to neaten up his hair. She pulled at his eyes, trying to get rid of the bags under them, but Cas just swatted her hands away, grunting irritably.

"Anna, stop it! I'm fine! Just get me something with enough caffeine in it to get me through the day."

Anna rolled her eyes and scowled up at him, combing a hand through her hair.

Cas messed his own hair up again. It flopped in front of his eyes and he huffed at it. "Please, Anna… I'm not in the mood."

Anna bit her lip and gave Castiel's arm a little squeeze before heading back around the counter.

Cas took his coffee and left the shop without a word. He was too tired to talk. He sipped at his coffee as he walked and finished it off as he walked into the classroom and began the task of staying awake.

At the end of the day, Castiel tugged on his favourite tan trench coat and went for yet another walk, letting his feet lead him. If he kept moving, if he kept busy, he'd be able to stay awake.

* * *

**Note: **I'm sorry. I have this strange need to hit people (myself included) right in the feels... I'm sorry to say that it isn't going to get much better in the next bit... but it will eventually! LIVE IN HOPE! So anyway, while I'm here I thought I might as well say thanks for bothering to read this and thanks for the reviews and other such stuff. I really do like feedback on my writing. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! Well.. not every little thought that passes through your head but still... Oh and I apologize for the failed attempt and something poetic... I used to be much better at that stuff and I didn't have much time to think. I hope it doesn't suck too much.

Anyway, I hope you like reading this. ^_^ AAAAAAH I just discovered how to add in a horizontal line! Don't judge me... I'm new here and figuring stuff out makes me happy... Anyway, I'm going to get some shut eye now. Continue to be awesome. 


	12. The River

Dean's baby wasn't starting. He just wanted to go buy something… Why did she have to do this to him now? The Impala, though gorgeous and full of personality, was hardly the most reliable of cars. She'd broken down again. In the car park not on the side of the road, so that was something. Dean spent a little while tinkering, but he didn't get anywhere and he seriously needed to go shopping. His fridge was basically empty. So Dean put down the socket wrench and stripped off his greasy clothing (after heading inside, of course). He threw on a plain, dark grey t shirt and a loose, green shirt with sleeves that buttoned up just below his elbows. He splashed his face with water before stomping out. He'd just have to walk. It wasn't even that far really (everywhere was close to everywhere else in this town), but Dean felt safer in his car.

It was surprisingly warm out, and the sky was clear. Dean shoved his hands into the pockets of his ripped jeans and whistled quietly as he walked along. He turned left down the road, towards the centre of town and soon found himself having to push his way past people who crowded around restaurants and bars. The supermarket was past this crowded, lively part of town. If he'd been driving, he could have avoided all of this.

Just as he passed the last restaurant/ bar that there was, he heard a clattering coming from down an alleyway. He stopped for a moment, and glanced into the darkness. He debated not stopping and just walking off to get what he'd come here for, but decided against it. He could only handle so much guilt. So he scratched at the back of his head and looked around curiously as he headed down the alleyway, praying to God that there wasn't some axe murderer waiting for him. "Hey!" Dean called out, taking hesitant steps forward.  
There was a scream. He'd heard that scream before.

It was Castiel. He was lying on the ground; his head was bleeding, as were his knuckles. His eyes were wide open, but looking at him, you wouldn't think that he was awake. In fact, if he hadn't been writhing around, you probably wouldn't have thought he was alive. As it was, he merely looked like he was dying.

Without hesitation, Dean raced towards him. He knelt down and grabbed Cas' already ruined shirt. He pulled him up and used his knee to keep him off the ground. Dean hugged him close, stopping his arms from flailing. "Cas?" He half shouted and shook Castiel's shoulder gently. He couldn't help it. There was some switch in his brain that went from 'hate everything' to 'help Cas' in an instant. He pushed the dark hair back from Cas' face and whispered in his ear. "It's okay now. You're okay. I'm here."

Cas snorted as he shut his eyes and blinked them open again a few seconds later. Suddenly, they were clear. Well… mostly. He pushed himself up and away from Dean awkwardly. He smiled then, a rather insane, childish smile. He stuck his bottom lip out as he looked at his bleeding knuckles.

"Are you okay, man?" Dean asked. He was holding a hand towards Cas cautiously.

Cas looked up from under his eye lashes. He leant in close to Dean.

Dean let his eyes flutter closed as Castiel's lips brushed his ear.

"Don't ask stupid questions," Cas growled and hiccupped.

Dean smelt the alcohol then and leant back, turning his face away and grimacing. "Cas, what happened?"

"I found a liquor store," he mumbled and started trying to get to his feet.

"And…?" Dean waved his hand, encouraging him to continue.

"I drank it." Cas staggered and his hand scraped against the brick wall again. Then he looked up at Dean with glassy eyes. "The black stuff is on me…" he scratched at his arm a determined look on his face. The skin on his arm was covered in pinpricks of blood. "Dean it's all over me! I need to wash it off!" he stopped and leant against the wall. "Wash away the thoughts… Clean the slate…" he whispered, obviously to himself. Then he turned to Dean again. Blood was trickling down the side of his face as he started walking forwards. "I can't possibly fix this," he said and picked up his pace.

Dean stood and moved into Castiel's path, but he got shoved aside and tripped over a random hunk of concrete. He slammed into the wall and turned to see Cas half running, half staggering out into the street. "Cas!" he shouted and began to run after him. He couldn't catch up. No matter how fast he pushed his legs, drunk, injured Cas was somehow faster.

Cas swerved to the left. Towards the small river that ran past that one random park that no one liked. It was fenced off, but Cas pushed his way through a gap in the gate. He staggered forward and walked straight into the water.

Dean froze. What was he doing?! He got stuck, unable to move a muscle. He watched as that dark haired, trench coat wearing man waded into the river, walking until his feet couldn't touch the bottom anymore. Dean's eyes were wide and stinging due to the lack of blinking. He watched, slowly starting so shake, as Cas swam further out and let his head sink below the murky water. _He'll come back up. He has to come back up. _Dean told himself as he clenched his jaw, balled up his fists and watched the water as it slowly stopped rippling._Too long… he's been under too long! _Dean broke free of the invisible force that had been holding him and sprinted towards the cold water, kicking off his shoes and stripping off his shirt as he ran. _Don't be dead. Please… don't be dead._

The water felt like a thousand tiny knives, stabbing into him, but Dean ignored it He sucked as much air as he could into his lungs and ducked under. The cold stung at his eyes as he twisted around, looking for any sign. He could hardly see a thing. As his lungs began to burn, he came back up for air. He gulped it down and shook the wet hair out of his eyes. Then he saw it, a water-darkened trench coat, floating to the surface a little way ahead. Dean's heart stuttered in his chest. His muscles ached and moved stiffly through the water as he swam out to the coat. He shuddered once before ducking under again. He could just make out Cas. Sinking. Heavy and lifeless. _No. No, no, no, no, no!_

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas' chest and pulled him up. He kicked at the water, trying to be faster. They broke through the surface and the air smacked into Dean like a brick. He pulled Cas higher up and started swimming back. He couldn't go very fast. He felt as if he was actually starting to freeze. He breathed in water as he swam, but didn't stop, even though he was coughing and spluttering everywhere. His feet scraped along the river bed and he the air rushed from his lungs in a sigh. _Almost there. _Dean dragged Cas up onto the bank and let him fall to the ground. He collapsed, wheezing and gasping and shivering uncontrollably. He turned to Cas.

Castiel was still. His skin was nearly blue.

Dean felt as though something was forcing its way up his throat. He got to his knees, teeth chattering and put both his hands on Cas' chest. "Come on, man." His breath hitched and he leant down on Cas' chest, resisting the urge to just start smacking him. He did that a few more times before tilting Cas' head back and covering the man's mouth with his own. He breathed into Cas' lungs and felt his chest rise.

Cas coughed and rolled to the side, water pushing it's way out of his lungs before he was dragging in a shuddering, strangled breath.

Dean sighed in relief and rested his elbows on his knees. He wiped a hand over his face and stared down at the ground.

Blood was starting to seep from Cas' wounds again and was shaking, curled into a little ball on the grass.

Dean stood. Before he pulled Cas to his feet he walked back to the river and grabbed the trench coat. He almost fell in. He twisted he water out of it took it back with him.

"Dean," the word came out in a hushed, frightened whisper. He didn't say anything else, just sat back down, rolled over onto his back, shuddered again and stared up at the stars.

Dean slipped his feet into his dry shoes, pulled his dry shirt over his head and tossed the green one at Cas. When the man made no move to put it on, Dean knelt beside him and, grabbing his shoulder, pulled him into a sitting position. He forced Cas' arms into the dry shirt. "Let's get you cleaned up," he mumbled, just managing to control his shaking voice as he wrapped his arm around Cas' waist and hauled him to his feet.

Cas wound an arm around Dean's neck and hooked his bleeding fingers into the material that covered his shoulder.

They walked (or more like squelched) back through the streets like that. No one looked at them, no one asked if they could help and no one sniggered once they'd passed.

Dean couldn't help but feel a twinge of hope. He tried to kill the small flame, but he felt that maybe Cas would come to his senses. Maybe Castiel would come back.

Cas didn't know why he'd done it. He hardly remembered doing it at all… He just wanted everything to be over. He was sick and tired of things just being wrong and bad all the time. It wasn't fair. Cas had been dragged, dripping wet into Dean's apartment. He'd barely been conscious and when Dean had ran a bath and tipped him into it, he'd had it in his mind to try again.

So Dean stripped down to his underwear and stepped in too. He'd seemed a bit embarrassed about it.

They'd both been shivering and the hot water had stung at their frozen skin. It thawed them out eventually and they sat there in silence.

Cas rested his head against the tiled wall and hiccupped. His hand brushed against Dean's under the water and he felt the butterflies in his stomach go crazy and a warm, comfortable glow settled in his chest. He hooked his fingers with Dean's and closed his eyes. He hiccupped again. "I'm sorry, Dean," he whispered.

Dean squeezed his fingers gently and Cas heard the water ripple. It went all wavy as Dean got to his feet and stepped out.

Cas opened his eyes again and sniffed as he looked up at Dean. He reached out a hand and let himself be pulled to his feet. He stumbled forward and fell into Dean, who caught him and half lifted him the rest of the way out of the water. A towel was draped around his shoulders and he dried off the drips before holding it closed.

Dean reached into the cabinet bellow the sink and pulled out a small box. He motioned for Cas to sit on the closed toilet lid and pulled out a few bandages and a wad of cotton wool. He dabbed carefully at the gash on Castiel's head then at his knuckles and at the scratches on his lightly muscled chest. Despite the muscle, Dean thought that Cas was getting too skinny.

Cas winced and bit his lip to stop himself from squirming too much. He looked up at Dean, who was staring at the bandage in his hand intently. Cas wanted to stand up and kiss him and never let him go. He wanted to kiss that sad look off his face and suddenly make things better. He knew that couldn't, but it was a nice thought to keep his mind off the stinging.

Not a word was exchanged as Dean tossed Cas a pair of pyjama pants and a stretched, faded black shirt.

Cas pulled them on and stared at the bedroom. Was he sleeping here? Or was Dean going to dump him back off at his dorm? Cas didn't think he'd ever be able to face Balthazar again…

Dean coughed loudly and when Cas turned to him, he gestured towards the larger one of his couches.

Cas mentally hit himself. _Stupid… Like Dean would want you in his bedroom… he hates you, remember? He's just being nice… _Cas sat down on the very edge of the soft black couch and stared into the shiny surface of the small TV.

Dean tossed a blanket and a pillow at him, grunted something that sounded vaguely like goodnight, and stumbled off into his bedroom.

Cas just sat there. His throat was burning still and he thought that the numb feeling in his toes and fingers would never go away. After a while, he wriggled his way onto the couch properly and snuggled under the blanket. It was a bit scratchy, but it was warm and that's what he needed. Eventually, though he was scared to do it, he let his eyelids droop shut.

He had a normal, boring old nightmare that night. He watched himself walking towards the river. Black goo had been coming from his nose and eyes and mouth. He hadn't been himself. It had been his body, but something else was inside it, doing what it wanted with him. Cas had woken to the sun glaring at him through the windows. He rolled onto his back and stared up at the patchy-plastered ceiling. His head was aching. Part hangover and part… just, pain.

"Mornin' sunshine," Dean held out a plate stacked with pancakes. He was wearing a baggy black hoody and his hair was all mussed up. He sat by Cas' feet and wriggled his butt to get Cas to move over. He turned on the TV and handed Cas some pancakes.

They sat there watching silly, simple-storied cartoons and things finally seemed like they were going to get better.


	13. Getting Some Help

They sat in the Impala, the radio humming quietly as the rain outside got heavier. They were sitting on the curb by Cas' dorm. They hadn't talked about the river. Neither of them wanted to, so they didn't say a thing.

Cas was afraid of hearing what Dean thought. Why did he save him? _Dean wouldn't have been able to live with himself if he let_ anyone_die._

Dean was just afraid to think about what led Castiel to do it… He was afraid that it was something to do with him.

"What are we doing here?" Cas asked, looking anywhere but at Dean.

"I thought… you might want to see Balthazar…" Dean's voice was strained. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel nervously.

Cas turned to Dean. "I wish circumstances were different," he whispered.

"You and me both," it was Dean's turn to look away. "So are you… getting out?"

"I do not want to see Balthazar. I punched him in the face."

Dean's eyebrows shot up. "How did that work out for you?"

"It hurt my hand… and Balthzar's feelings. I think I got my point across."

"And what point is that?" Dean bit his bottom lip and scratched at his forehead.

"I don't want to be with him… I don't like him very much at all, actually." Cas opened the door and squinted out into the rain. "I'll be back" he said and left the car. He was a bit wobbly on his feet and stopped to gain his balance. He looked up at the ugly building that was looming over him. He didn't know what he was doing. Was he going to get his suitcase and invite himself to stay at Dean's place? He'd much prefer that, but that would be rude. Cas sighed and slid back into the car, staring straight ahead.

"What is it?" Dean asked, his voice as flat as ever. He stared at the water pooling on the seat, irritated.

"I don't want to go in there," he grumbled, wincing as he sucked in a breath and the air stung at his throat. "I don't want to… be alone."

Dean frowned, but didn't say anything. They sat in an awkward silence before Dean started the engine. "Buckle up, buddy," he muttered.

They drove to a part of town that Cas didn't recognise. The buildings were all tall and fancy-looking and Cas felt terribly out of place. They parked outside of one particularly fancy looking building with a sign out the front that said something about psychology and counselling.

"Dean. What are we doing here?"

"You are going inside. I made an appointment for you."

Cas gulped, his eyes widened and his mouth opened a little. He was terrified. He couldn't just walk in there and start talking about his problems… what would they expect from him?

Dean's jaw clenched. He'd never seen Castiel look so genuinely frightened. His eyebrows were raised, crinkling his skin and the way his mouth had popped open made him look like a lost little kid. He was resisting the urge to just lean over and kiss that look off his face, but that would be awkward.

"Dean, I can't afford this."

"But I can!"

"No. I won't let you pay for me…"

"Yes. You will. You can pay me back later."

Cas scowled out into the rain. He tugged on the hem of his borrowed shirt and fiddled with a loose thread on the bandage that wrapped tightly around his hand. "I don't have a job."

Dean reached across Cas and opened the car door himself. "I know a place that's hiring," he said and gave the man a small shove.

Cas stared back with those strikingly blue eyes, darkened by the shadow-casting clouds. He licked at his lips and slipped out of the car, landing with a splosh on the ground. The rain immediately soaked through Dean's white shirt and Cas pulled it off his skin, letting it go and watching it curiously as it stuck right back again. He looked back one last time, eyes darting around in fear. He didn't know what to do, that much was obvious.

Dean sighed and rolled his eyes. "Just go in there and tell them your name." When Cas didn't' move, Dean rubbed his eye and looked up at the slowly soaking man. "Don't make me push you," his mouth twitched up at the corner slightly.

Cas' dark, ever so slightly wavy hair stuck to his forehead and sent even more trickles of water down his cheeks. The water droplets stuck on his eyelashes sparkled even in the dim light, but the eyes themselves were dark and sad. Cas slammed the car door shut and turned to face his impending doom. He limped forwards and eventually disappeared through the door with the soft tinkling of a bell.

Dean slumped in his seat, keeping the car engine running for the warmth of the heater and turning the radio up. He was just going to wait there for Cas to come back out._ Why am I doing this? _He asked himself, running a hand over his short, kind of fuzzy brown hair. He rubbed at his face as though he was trying to massage the bad thoughts out of his head. He knew the answer to his question. He was doing it for Cas… because somehow, even though the Thursday - hating Angel of Thursdays had stomped on his heart and squeezed lemon juice on his paper cuts, Castiel still had Dean by the short and curlies…

Everything felt slightly out of place. Cas shouldn't be feeling like this. He should be snuggled up against Dean, under a blanket, muttering about love or something just as ridiculous. The first time Cas had mentioned love, Dean had shut down. It wasn't what he was used to. He wasn't used to any of this. He acted like he knew what he had been doing with their relationship, but he was making it up as he went along. Before he'd met Castiel, he'd been the sort of guy who'd hang out in bars and head home with a different hot chick each night. There had never been any mention of love. Dean had never felt anything that could be called love in his life… In fact, he doubted he'd even know what it felt like. He assumed that love was something like what he'd felt for Cas… Hell, what he _still_ felt for Cas. He'd never said it. _Should I have said it?_

Dean shut his eyes and listened to the rain pitter-pattering away on the roof of the car. He wondered what Cas was feeling, what he was talking about.

Dean must have drifted off. He jolted awake as the passenger side door was shut. He looked around for a minute as though he didn't realise where he was and he stared at Cas like a stranger.

Cas' eyes were red and slightly puffy. He sniffed and looked away from Dean, ashamed. "So," he pressed his lips together in a way that, coupled with his wide eyes, made him look almost as though he was smiling.

"So?" Dean yawned and flopped his arm over the back of Castiel's seat.

"What's this job you had in mind?"

Dean had to think for a minute. He couldn't remember straight away. And then he remembered and he regretted ever mentioning it. But he had to say something now… "Uh… Where I work… We need someone to look after the shop while I look after the cars out back." He cleared his throat and played with a tear in his jeans.

Cas snorted and frowned in confusion, an eyebrow somehow how managing to raise despite the scowl. "I know nothing about cars, Dean."

Dean thought briefly about using that as an excuse to get out of this situation, but Cas needed the money. Cas needed help… and if Dean didn't help him, who would? So instead of laughing away the offer, Dean said, "I can teach a few things…"

Cas' face lit up. All the tiny lines on his face smoothed out and he looked much younger.

Dean hadn't realised how… warn out he'd looked until relief washed over him.

The tiniest of genuine smiles stretched across Cas' face. The smile grew as Cas thought about the fact that he was smiling. He hadn't smiled in ages. All of his smiley muscles felt stiff. "I sincerely doubt I'll be of any use," his expression became neutral. He was very skilled at showing no emotion. It was almost eerie… Well it wasn't completely free of expression; he always looked at least a little bit confused.

Dean shook his head. "You just need to know a few of the basics." Dean shrugged and reached out to run his hand along the sleeve of Cas' shirt. It looked odd on Cas… It hung off him all funny and made him look scrawnier than usual. It was also soaked. Water was dripping onto the floor and onto the seat. Dean grimaced, but didn't say anything.

Cas caught Dean's hand before he could move away. He just stared down at it, not really knowing what he was going to do. He bit his lip. Dean's hands were interesting… He couldn't help but notice every time he looked at them.

Dean's eyes were half closed and his lips were pursed, eyebrows knitting together to complete the look of confusion. He slowly pulled his hand back and looked down at it. He wriggled his fingers as if he wasn't sure they would still work. They were tingling. He could almost feel Cas' fingers still, stroking his calluses gently. He shuddered and gripped the steering wheel with both hands. _I shouldn't be feeling like this still_

The rain stopped by the time they pulled up outside Cas' dorm again.

"Don't try to kill yourself again, Cas," Dean whispered, stony faced. "For me."

Cas nodded. "Will you bring me my coat once it's dry?" Was all Castiel asked and when he received a nod, he left the car.

"Come by the garage tomorrow and we can start your… lessons…"

Cas tried to give Dean a smile, but the expression that ended up cracking his chapped lips, wasn't a happy one. He winced knowing that he'd failed at seeming cheerful and turned away.

Cas still didn't want to go inside. He wanted to go back and stay forever in Dean's cosy apartment. He wanted to be kicking clothes out of the way as he walked and not being able to find anything clean to wear. He wanted the mess, the feeling of being lived in. He wanted to fiddle around with the tap in the kitchen that wouldn't work without a broom propping up the pipe a certain way. As he walked quietly through the hallways, he realised how… unhomely this place was. He'd never felt home here. It had never been his home, merely a place that he lived. He wanted to be with Dean. Where Dean was, was where Cas' home was. Because home isn't the place, it's the people in it and there wasn't one person in the dorm that made it home.

Cas entered his room and without closing the door, limped over to the window to watch his home driving away.


	14. Amends

Cas got up early that morning. He'd promised the psychologist lady that he'd talked to (Meg, her name was), that he would get some sleep, no matter what. She hadn't asked him to talk about his family or his relationships or anything. She'd just stuck with basic details and… well, they'd had a chat. God only knows what was going on through her head while Castiel was muttering away about the stupid weather.

He was sleepy when he woke up and found fresh bruises on his elbow which tended to point the finger at a night terror. He groaned and tumbled out of bed, feeling as pointless as ever. He didn't want to go to class. He wasn't doing anything useful. Cas knew that the things he was studying wouldn't lead to a career. He might as well stop now. But he couldn't do that to his professors. They thought he was brilliant. So he wandered off to Psychology. He noticed a poster up on the wall of the room that he had never noticed before. It was kind of fading, but it was about sleeping disorders. Cas cursed himself under his breath. If he'd noticed that in the first place, he probably wouldn't have freaked out so much. The class launched into a huge debate about nature vs. nurture and Cas found himself wondering if he was going to grow up to be like his father. Abandoning his children, not telling them what to do with what he'd left behind... Then Cas started missing the warmth of his Dad's coat. Cas was intrigued by the nature vs. nurture thing. He wasn't entirely sure which side he took and it surprised him that some people could make their minds up so quickly…

Anna slunk into the room half way through.

Professor Henrickson glared at her, something close to murder in his eyes.

Cas stifled a laugh as Anna waved, greeted him _very_loudly and blew a kiss at Henrickson.

You'd have thought everyone would have learnt to ignore her by now, but even after almost a year of this, she still had everyone's attention.

When Anna sat next to Castiel, she immediately turned to him. "What happened?" she whispered furiously.

Cas frowned, that funny little crease forming between his eyebrows. "What are you talking about...?"

"You look like you've been twelve rounds with truckasaurus."

Cas raised an eyebrow. He had no clue what she was going on about.

Anna reached out and poked at his head.

He winced and swatted her hand away.

She caught the hand mid swat and turned it over, inspecting the grazes, cuts and bruises that covered it. "You sure you don't need to go to the hospital or something?"

Cas shook his head. "Dean patched me up alright…"

"Dean. What was he doing wherever the hell you did this?"

"He found me… I was drunk and I… well, I just wanted it all to stop."

Anna blinked at him. She was working through that sentence in her head. "You did this to yourself?"

"Not the scratches… but I did… um," Cas lowered his voice. "I walked into the river, without the intention of coming back out."

Anna smacked his arm then, and he winced. He was bruised from Dean's tight grip on him as he was hauled out of the water. Anna grabbed his arm and pulled him forward; hugging him tightly though the chairs made it difficult. "Talk to me next time okay? Just talk to me."

Before Cas left the room, he wandered up the rows of chairs to the back to have a look at that poster. He ran his finger along the word 'terrors' and the hairs on his neck stood on end.

Anna waited for him by the doorway and their professor was packing up his things while staring at Castiel curiously.

Cas cleared his throat and tripped over in his attempt to swagger back to the front.

Anna snorted and came to help him up. "What're you going to do now?" She said as she giggled.

"Dean's going to teach me about cars," Cas knew that his voice shook, and he wasn't sure it was with excitement or dread.

"Dean? So are you two…."she waved her hands about, trying to explain her thoughts without words.

Cas choked on air. "No. No, no, no..."

Anna held her hands up. "Okay… sorry…"

Cas left the classroom and walked with Anna before they had to hug goodbye and he went trotting off down the street.

He'd only been here the one time. It was dirty and smelly and Cas didn't like it. Which is why he was glad Dean said he'd be in the shop. The shop still smelt kind of funny, but at least he could breathe.

Dean nodded at Cas in acknowledgement and lifted up the bonnet of a car (not the Impala) that sat in the large, yet cramped space.

"Hello, Dean." Cas rubbed at the back of his neck before moving to tuck his hands into the pockets of his coat. Of course, he wasn't wearing his coat, so he frowned and crossed his arms instead.

Dean took a deep breath and looked Castiel in the eyes.

Cas shuffled closer and stared down at the complicated engine. Cas didn't like travelling in cars too much. Somehow, it always felt slower than walking. He only ever agreed to sit in the Impala because Dean was there. He knew nothing about cars.

So when dean started talking, it sounded like some other language and it took a lot of energy to even understand the gist of things. He found himself moving closer to Dean and leaning in to stare intently as Dean's hands flickered across the lids of various things. He really knew what he was doing…

"So, any questions?"

"Yes." Cas looked down at his feet. "Is my coat dry yet?"

Dean's face fell. He'd obviously been expecting something else. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand.

Cas watched as black grease smudged in a line. "um.. you've got…" he gestured vaguely and in dean's direction.

"I've got what?"

Cas tipped his head from side to side and reached out slightly. "Oil stuff… on you."

"Where? Dean wiped at his face, only making it worse.

Cas cleared his throat and reached forward to wipe it off for him, realising too late that his own fingers where black and dirty.

Dean grimaced and licked his bottom lip before grinning cheekily.

Cas took a step back, eyes wide, trying to imagine what was coming.

Dean ran his hands along the oiliest parts of the engine slowly, teasingly. He reached out and pressed his hands to Castiel's chest, wiping them down his previously clean, light blue shirt.

Cas stared down at the dirty hand prints in disbelief and turned around to grab a handful of saw dust from the work bench and held his hand over Dean's head. A smile spread across his face, one that he couldn't supress no matter how hard he tried. He opened his hand and let the dirty wood shavings fall over Dean's head and shoulders.

Dean chuckled and grabbed the large container of water that sat in the corner, twisting the lid off and swinging it around so that the contents splashed out.

Cas spluttered and flicked his soaked hands out. He ruffled a hand through his hair and looked around for something he could send back.

Dean had his hands on his hips, grinning in triumph as Cas ducked under the huge roller door. His smile disappeared when Cas came back with hands coated in mud and slapped both hands on Dean's cheeks. The smile came back as he felt the cold, slimy mud drip down his face. His stomach flipped and if he hadn't been coated in the mud, his cheeks would have been bright red. "You're going to regret that," he bit his lip and stared at Cas from under the mud and his eyelashes.

Cas took a step forward. "Am I really?" His ears were slowly starting to burn and he was just happy because it felt like nothing was wrong. He was with Dean, like he should be and they were having fun.

"Yes… You… are…"

Cas didn't realise what he was doing, but suddenly he was hooking his fingers into the belt loops on Dean's jeans and tugging him closer.

Dean let himself get dragged forward, so close that he could smell that Castiel-y smell that was currently coated with the smell of engine grease and dirt. He pulled back, breathing hard. He couldn't do this. This was wrong. _it's probably not what Cas wants_

Cas let his hands fall to his sides and he looked down at the floor. His cheeks were bright red and his insides felt like they were boiling. What was he doing? Of course Dean would pull back. Dean hated him. It hurt him to remember exactly how much Dean hated him. "My apologies," he muttered and took a giant step back.

"Yeah," Dean coughed awkwardly. "You kind of invaded my personal space…"

Cas nodded. "I don't think I can work here."

"You have to. Michael's already said you can have the job. It's pretty easy really... just serve people and if they ask you something you don't know the answer to… ask me." Dean shrugged, squinting as he stared out into the sunshine that had taken the world by surprise. _Look anywhere but at that stupid angel boy!_

Cas nodded. "Dean… I feel… regret…. About you, about how I ended things…" he squeezed his dripping, oily shirt nervously. When Dean remained silent, Cas added, "I just want to make amends…"

Dean rubbed a hand over his mouth. "Okay…" he whispered quietly. What else could he say? He could hardly believe that he was hearing this.

"Is it working?" He ducked his head a bit to look up into Dean's eyes.

"Does it make you feel better?" Dean asked, pulling a rag from behind him and slowly wiping off the engine grease and dirt. His insides were aching…

"No… You?"

"Not a bit." Dean was lying of course. Castiel apologising like this, did make him feel better. It made him feel like Cas cared, which, however unlikely, was a feeling that Dean clung to with all of his strength.

Cas seemed to deflate, crumple in on himself. He slouched and started shivering slightly. His undeniably gorgeous blue eyes clouded over and for a minute it seemed as though he'd just crawl into a little ball right then and there.

Dean wanted to offer him his jacket, or a towel or _something_, but he couldn't. He stared dumbly at the beautiful man in front of him. He wished that Cas would just smile and laugh and tell him that he was better, and that he wanted to lie in bed and snuggle under the covers, and eat pancakes and get syrup on the sheets, and laugh because it didn't matter. Dean wanted Cas to care. He wanted Cas to need him. No one needed Dean though… not even little Sammy, all grown up with a girlfriend, getting an education and stuff. Dean needed someone to need him, but there was no one. His eyes darted to Cas' neck, where Dean was used to seeing a black string and a silver pendant. It was gone. That was proof. Cas didn't want him. "I think you should go… I'll bring you your jacket… sometime," Dean sniffed and let the filthy rag in his hands fall to the floor.

Cas turned and walked slowly outside. The sun shining down was inappropriate now. It was wrong. Cas wasn't happy, so the sun shouldn't be either. Cas didn't get to his room before he felt the need to sit down. He was on the steps just outside his dorm, the ones that led down to the road, and the ones where if you sat on them in the right spot, you could see the fountain and that one statue of a horse. Cas rested his elbows on his arms and waited for some sort of sign, telling him what he was supposed to do. There was nothing.


	15. For You

Dean finished fixing up the car and left a good long while after Castiel. He drove back to his dorm and sat there for a while. His apartment didn't really seem like home anymore… not like it had when Cas had been there, even when he'd been dripping and bleeding it had been better than his absence. Dean kicked his shoes off and sat down on the arm on the velvet-type, hideous green chair that didn't fit in with the plain black of his other couches. He spent a few days just sitting on that couch with the empty beer bottles piling up and the dirty plates slowly covering the carpet. He went to work and helped out Cas in any way he could. It was difficult.

Cas stood behind the counter, picking at the splintering wooden surface in a daggy, dirty black shirt and jeans that were fading through at the knees. He got saw dust in his hair, and grease on his hands and he slowly got the hang of a few things. The customers liked him.

Dean couldn't help smiling whenever Cas asked for help, or when he insisted on doing something by himself. He also found himself chuckling often when Cas sat down on the dirty floor with the customers and they tried to figure things out together.

Cas came round every day after his classes. He would talk to Dean sometimes. He often found himself just… staring at him as he bent over the car engines. Cas had expected things to be much more awkward that this. As it was, Cas and Dean remained civil and even friendly. Then Anna gave him a call at work, announcing that she had something planned for him and he spent the rest of the day blushing and avoiding Dean.

Dean tried not to notice that Cas was being all avoidy, but he couldn't keep that little bit of doubt and fear seep into his heart. He went home late that night and sat himself down on his couch. He twiddled his thumbs, staring at the trench coat that was hanging over the back of a kitchen stool. It was dry now. Dean had to use a hair dryer on it to speed things up, but it was dry, if a bit dirty. It had been dry weeks ago… Dean had grown used to it just hanging around the place. He wandered towards it and pulled it down, lifting it up by the collar. Dean turned it over in his hands. Over and over and over. As he stared down at the soft material, something fell to the floor and landed with a metallic thud. Dean paused and sat the coat down on the bench. He looked down at the small, silver stone that was by his feet. It was cold in his hand as crouched down and picked it up. The necklace that he'd given Cas for Christmas… it had been in the pocket of his coat, not buried somewhere amongst the clutter on Castiel's desk like Dean thought it would be.

If someone had asked what was going through Dean's head, or what he was feeling at that exact moment in time, he wouldn't have been able to explain. He felt… strangely happy, excited and dizzy. Cas had kept it, which meant that he must care. Dean held onto the silver pendant so tight that his hand started to ache. The world around him was spinning and his insides were packed full of butterflies. He sat down and crossed his legs, just sitting there with the pendant in his hand, staring at his dull, scratchy-looking, grey curtains.

Cas kept it. Cas had it in his pocket. Cas, Cas, Cas, Cas, Cas.  
Dean scratched at his head and stuffed the small circle of silver into his pocket before clambering to his feet.

Somehow, Dean managed to drag himself to his feet, grab the oversized trench coat and stumble back out the door. He was down the stairs and out in the car park before he realised that he'd left the keys on his floor and that he'd grabbed a piece of paper along with the coat.

He flattened it out on the hood of the car and nearly let it fall when he saw what it was.

Cas' story. The one that had taken him God knows how long to write.

Dean let his eyes flicker over the curled words.

_'The angel moved up close to the hunter. "I did this, all of it, for you." '_

Dean took a deep breath. He was an inch away from collapsing in a heap and sobbing silently. As it was, he merely shut his eyes and kicked at his car. Then he opened them and stared at those words.

_"I did it, all of it, for you."_

Something clicked in Dean's brain. It was as though someone had turned on the light and he was seeing things clearly for the first time.

Cas hadn't left because he didn't need Dean. Cas had left to protect him. He was _staying_away to protect him.

Dean had been angry with Cas at some point, but more than anything, he'd been angry with himself. Now, more than ever, Dean wished someone would punch him in the face. He stuck with slapping himself and folding the story into pocket next to the pendant.

He pulled out his phone and dialled Cas' number. Nobody answered and he was left an awkward answering machine and Dean wasn't sure if Cas had been serious or drunk when he's recorded it. He hung up before the tone sounded. Leaving messages was always awkward... He dialled Anna instead. He hadn't spoken to her in months and he wasn't entirely certain that he wasn't going get shouted at.

"Dean?"

Dean was starting to walk down the street as she picked up. "Hey... I was wondering if you knew why Cas isn't picking up..."

Anna giggled lightly. "I organised a date for him," she sounded a little nervous.

Dean stopped in the middle of the path and rubbed at his chin, licking at his bottom lip and staring at nothing. "When?" Dean's voice broke.

"He's getting picked up in about ten minutes..."

Dean hung up.

Cas had a date... Cas was going out with someone... Cas hadn't told Dean...

Dean put his hands to his head and looked down the road, a pained look on his face. Ten minutes... _If I run, I might be able to get there... Maybe..._He'd be slowed down by holding the trench coat... That thought is what possessed him to slip his own arms into the sleeves and half button it up so there wasn't as much wind resistance. Dean sprinted. The wind stung at his eyes as he raced down the street, feet pounding into the concrete, his boots doing little to stop then from aching. His muscles started burning, but he didn't notice because the only thing he could think about was getting to Cas before he went off with some other guy. He looked down at his watch as he forced himself to move faster. Three minutes to go. That wasn't long enough. He needed more time. He could hardly breathe and he was starting to slow down, no longer having the energy to move any faster.

The college came into view as Dean skidded around the corner, the plain brick buildings and the funny, supposedly artistic statues seemed to laugh at him.

Dean bolted across the grass and the brick areas and the roads, he nearly tripped as he dodged to avoid the ugly fountain where Cas had first met Sam and he still wasn't fast enough. There was a douchey, silver Volvo pulled up in front of the steps to Cas' dorm and the bright lights showed a short, cheesy looking dude leaning up against it.

Cas was just pushing his way through the glass door as Dean ran out of air to drag into his lungs.

"Cas!" he wheezed though it was meant to be a shout. He shrugged the coat from his shoulders. He somehow managed to run up the stairs, stumbling blindly. "Cas!" he was a bit louder that time and both the douche-bag by the car and Cas turned to stare at him. He took the last few steps towards Cas and held the coat out to him. "Cas, don't go out with him."

Cas frowned at the coat and4 took it, pulling it on and putting his hand into the pocket. A look of panic flashed across his face and as he shook it off, made to step around Dean.

Dean put a hand to Castiel's chest and pushed him back. "Castiel, please." Dean pulled the small silver necklace out of his pocket and stepped in closer to the man in front of him. He wound his arms around Cas' neck and fastened the necklace around it.

Cas stood stock still, frozen, though Dean could feel the pounding of his heart against his own. Cas tried to shut out the warm feeling that spread through him, but Dean was so close. He reached up and wrapped his hand around the pendant. "Dean…"

"Cas, buddy, I need you," Dean whispered.

Cas' eyes widened and got wider still as Dean slid his arms around him and held him close. They were staring into each other's eyes. Cas didn't know what to do. I mean, it was obvious that he would just be able to avoid Dean… but did he… did he hug him? What? He was getting lost, lost in those green eyes. He felt like if he kept staring into them like this, he wouldn't be able to find his way back out into the rest of the world.

Dean tightened his arms around him. He hugged him, as tight as he could. He didn't even know if Cas was happy with this, but he didn't care. He was just happy to stand here hugging Cas and breathing in his scent. He let his head fall onto the other man's shoulder, burying his face in his neck.

Cas slowly returned the hug, wrapping his arms around Dean's waist. He felt like he was going to explode and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop the wonky smile that spread across his face. "I was so stupid," he mumbled.

Dean hummed a yes and kissed Cas' neck softly.

Cas pushed back. "Wait," he said and skipped off down the stairs to where the silver car was still parked.

Dean could see them talking. He didn't realise he was holding his breath, but he was. He was scared that Cas was going to out with the douche-nozzle anyway.

Cas patted that man awkwardly on the shoulder and started making his way back up.

Volvo dude visibly sighed and slumped into his car.

Dean let out his breath in a whoosh and sat down on the stairs.

Cas sat down beside him, adjusting his coat and twiddling his thumbs. He seemed so nervous.

Dean reached across and covered one of the fidgeting hands with his own.

"I don't want to go back to my room… I keep thinking that Balthazar is lying in wait…" Cas half smiled and looked up at Dean. "Are we good?" He asked after a short silence.

Dean didn't know the answer to that. His heart still hurt whenever he looked at Cas… but Cas needed him. "Give me some time, Angel boy," he whispered and tightened his fingers around the hand he was holding. "Want to go get some dinner or something?"

"Pie?"

Dean smiled. "Of course! Now," Dean used Cas' knee to stand up. "You coming?"

Cas was happy about this. He had dinner with Dean every few nights and they went to the movies and did a lot of little things, nothing big. Cas kept going to see Meg. He almost enjoyed sitting there and telling her about stuff. The psychologist was also perfectly happy to help him out with anything he needed for class, so that was a plus.

Cas' job with Dean wasn't awkward in the least anymore. Cas found himself staying behind just to help Dean back up and coming early (on the one day a week where he had no classes) just so he could be alone with him. When things were quiet, they could just sit around and talk. It was nice. It wasn't what Cas _really_wanted, but it was ncie.

_You guys can't just keep going on like this forever…_Anna texted him.

_What am I supposed to do?_

I don't know… But do something! You guys are going so slow, it's nearly killing me!

Cas sat down on the small step between the shop and the garage. He wanted things to go faster too, but he was afraid that trying to rush into things would end badly. He'd hurt Dean… he didn't know what Dean wanted…

"Hey, Cas?" Dean leant against the brick wall handing out a beer to Castiel. "Why'd you walk into that river?" His voice was so quiet that it hardly seemed like he was talking.

Cas thought for a while. "Everything was sucking, I was drunk, I'd just had a very bad experience after passing out and… I couldn't take it. I thought you hated me and Balthazar was making feel bad and I just…. I wanted things to be over. I didn't want to think anymore."

Dean slid down the wall so that he was eye to eye with Cas. "Don't you dare try again. Ever," he rested his hand on Cas' shoulder and tried to push out the memories of standing by that river. "I thought you'd died…" he whispered. "I froze and I just… I felt like part of me was out there with you… drowning."

Cas raised an eyebrow. "You saved me," he smiled smugly and nudged Dean gently.

Dean let a smile creep across his face. "That I did… I feel like a hero!" The smile went all cheesy and they clinked beer bottles. The smile disappeared and just stared at Cas, who stared right back.

Cas still had the ghost of a smile on his face and his eyes were twinkling just the way eyes should. He bit at his bottom lip and shifted his gaze, cheeks growing warm and ears turning red.

Dean chuckled and put a hand under Castiel's chin, turning his face back so that he could lean forward and press a tickling kiss on his nose.

Cas giggled. "Are we good?" He asked, eyes boring holes into Dean with every second.  
Dean leant in again. "Yeah, we're good," he whispered as he hooked his fingers into the front of Cas' shirt to keep him close. His lips brushed softly against the other man's.

Cas made an involuntary hiccupping sound and wound his arms around Dean, moving his hands and grabbing fistfuls of soft, thin material. He thought he scratched Dean's back, but Dean didn't seem to mind.

The kiss was warm and soft and full of urgency and need. This was something neither of them had felt in a while, and something they had both missed terribly… that feeling of knowing where they belonged, the feeling of home.

Dean moved a hand to the back of Cas' head, smiling around the kiss. His lungs were almost aching from lack of air, but he didn't care, because, well, what was oxygen compared to Castiel? Nothing. Who cared about oxygen?

Cas gasped as Dean's other hand slipped under his shirt, resting against his chest. He leant back against the wall as Dean moved forward slightly.

Dean's lips were soft and hesitant, but parted Castiel's with ease. He tugged at Cas' bottom lip with his teeth and suddenly, he was lost. The world around him had disappeared and everything was Castiel. All he could feel was the warmth of Cas' body pressed against his own and Castiel's tight grip on his arm, bordering on pain. All he could smell was Cas and all he could taste were the dry lips that stuck to his slightly when he came up for air. He pulled back a bit, gasping and trying to wrap his head around everything that was going on.

Cas had his eyes closed and his head tilted back, resting against the wall. His mouth was open slightly and his chest was heaving. He licked his lips and opened his eyes a crack. "Dean?" he asked quietly, voice uneven.

Dean stood up and pulled Cas up after him. He kissed Cas again and took his hand. "I'm not really… comfortable with the idea of you going back to your dorm… Balthazar…" he trailed off and scratched his head. "So… you want to stay with me?" His turned away and he mumbled in embarrassment.

Cas felt a weight lift from his shoulders. He could feel the tension leaking from his body and pulled Dean forward, wrapping his arms around that muscular torso and resting his head on his shoulder. He sighed happily as Dean's hand went to the back of his head, slowly stroking his fingers through the soft brown hair.

Dean pushed Cas back and gestured to the Impala that sat parked outside.

Cas frowned.

"We need to go get your stuff, don't we?"

* * *

**Note:** _This is the second last chapter of this :3 And it's finally happy! ^_^_


	16. Home

Dean moaned quietly and rolled over in his bed. He stretched out his legs, aiming to take up as much room as possible. His foot came in contact with something that groaned and kicked back. Dean rubbed at his eyes and let them open, squinting at the sudden brightness.

Cas was curled up, so far to the edge of the bed that he was in danger of falling out.

"Cas?" Dean's voice was croaky with sleepiness as poked at Castiel gently. For the past week, Dean had expected to wake up alone and find out that everything had just been a dream. He'd been prepared for Cas changing his mind or just simply not being there. Every morning however, Dean had woken up and been slightly surprised that Cas was curled up beside him.

Cas whimpered softly, but didn't move.

Dean smiled and shimmied over. "Hey, Cas?" he whispered softly, kissing Cas' neck and trailing more kisses down his arm.

Cas rolled over then, shifting onto his side to face Dean. His eyes were half closed and sparkly in that way his eyes always were when he'd just woken up. "What?" he grumbled, trying to sound grumpy though he was all warm and fuzzy and calm and happy and his hair was a crazy mass of fluff.

Dean smoothed back the hair from Cas' forehead and smiled softly. "Good morning…"

They laid there in silence, legs intertwined and each in their own bubble of bliss.

Then, of course, they had to get up. Dean stumbled out into the kitchen first and made pancakes.

Cas padded softly up to Dean as he stood by the stove, staring at the pancake mixture as it bubbled away. He put his hands on Dean's hips and planted a kiss on his shoulder. He reached around so that he could grab his own wrists and rested his cheek against the soft skin of Dean's back.

"Are you going to tell your psychologist lady about this?" Dean asked quietly, a smile in his voice.

"Her name's Meg," Cas mumbled in reply and took a deep, peaceful breath. "I don't know… It seems like the sort of thing she should know… because, well, it could help me. All this happiness…"

"So I'm helping you?" Dean lifted the pan and let the last pancake slip off onto the pile. He twisted around to face Cas who immediately leaned in for a kiss.

"Of course you're helping me," he smiled and grabbed the pancakes from the bench.

"You weren't thinking that way when you left…" Dean sat down on the pile of cushions on the floor just as Cas reached for the TV remote.

Cas looked down at the pancakes that took up the small space between them. "I was scared."

"I know… But you didn't have to be. I _could_have helped back then, too…" He emptied a jar of sugar over the pancakes that Cas had just buttered and pulled one from the stack. He lifted it into the air and took bites out of the bottom of it.

"I'm not scared anymore," Cas whispered and turned on the TV, keeping the volume down so they could still talk.

Dean finished his pancake and wiped his hands on one of the cushions underneath him. _Should I say it? No… now's not the time…_

Cas nibbled at one of the pancakes and seemed to study them as though they were the most curious thing in the world. "Should we get a cat?" he asked suddenly and Dean burst into laughter.

"What?" He chuckled.

Cas tilted his head to the side. "Should we get a cat?" He repeated. "I feel like there's a species missing here..."

"I thought you didn't like animals…" Dean said, remembering their very first conversation.

Castiel grunted. "Of course I do," he shrugged. "That stupid dog was just, scary. Cats are nice. I like cats."

Dean shook his head, smiling, eyes all crinkled up at the corners. "I love you," he said as another laugh echoed around the room. Then he froze and focussed his eyes on Cas and Cas only. He realised what he'd just said and was waiting to see the reaction.

Cas' eyes couldn't have been any wider. He turned a dark red colour and pulled up one of the pillows, hugging it to his chest and trying to hide behind it. He chewed at his bottom lip and his eyes flickered to the newly framed drawing that hung on the wall. "I love you too," he whispered. His mouth quirked up at the corner and he let the pillow fall into his lap. He pulled the silver pendant out from under his light grey, V necked pyjama shirt and wrapped his hand around it.

Dean sighed in relief and grinned as he grabbed another pancake. "Hey, Cas?"

"Yeah, Dean?"

Dean stifled an unmanly giggle. "Happy Thursday."

Cas rolled his eyes and tossed the pillow in his lap at Dean's face. It bounced off onto the pancakes and proceeded to get covered in buttery, sugary goodness. "Happy Thursday, Dean."

After a month of things going well, Dean finally called up his parents and told them that things were okay. His mother had immediately asked to speak to Cas. Dean was hesitant, but did as she asked.

Mary Winchester did not hold back. Her shouting could be heard from the other room.

Castiel wished that he could hide from the phone, but settled for merely holding it away from his ear. "I know I said I'd take care of him…" a pause to let Mary rant. "Yes, I know, I was stupid."

Dean grabbed hold of Cas' hand and squeezed it tight. He'd asked his mum to go easy on him.

Poor Cas looked like he was almost in tears by the time Mary's words became kind. She was happy for them, she was glad they'd come to their senses.

Mary assured Cas that she'd be yelling at Dean too, and she did.

"No way!"

"Please, Dean? I'm supposed to get calm! Meg said so! It'll help!"

Dean stared blankly at Cas. "There are other ways to relax! There are things that would relax me too!" He was almost down on his knees begging.

Cas stuck out his bottom lip, widened his eyes and crossed his arms staring out the window with his head tilted up slightly.

Dean groaned. "Don't do this to me, man… You're just too freakin' adorable!" He waited a few seconds, chewing on his lip and staring around their room. Then he sighed and clambered onto the bed. "If you tell Sammy about this, I will end you."

"I don't see what's so embarrassing about massaging my shoulders…" Cas smiled and crossed his legs, closing his eyes as Dean started rubbing at the tense muscles.

"Well, you wouldn't," Dean snapped.

Cas twisted around and pushed Dean back. "Let's try some of those other things, huh?" He grinned and climbed on top of Dean, pulling him so that he could get to his lips.

"I wouldn't say no to that…" Dean put his hands on Cas' shoulders and dug his thumbs into the muscles.

Cas screeched and jerked back.

Dean cackled maniacally and sat up. He wiggled his fingers threateningly and started to chase after him. "No night terrors for you tonight, mister," he said as he smacked into him and sent them both crashing to the floor.

Cas had another dream that night… The first normal dream in ages. He remembered Dean staring at him a lot and he remembered not knowing who Dean was. It was like they were meeting for the first time, only Dean knew who he was. Cas hadn't even known he was Cas... Meg had been in this new dream. She forced Dean to tell him he was an Angel. Cas remembered Dean handing a blood stained trench coat over and smiling sadly at him.

That was all he could remember. He wasn't sure if it was a good dream or not. Cas woke up in the middle of the night and scribbled down what he remembered in his notebook. He looked down at Dean who was drooling in his sleep. Cas couldn't help smiling as he slid back down into the bed at tried to fall back to sleep. It took a while because Dean's soft snores were annoying him. When he did manage to drift off, his mind was quiet. He slept in, missing out on his classes, but he didn't really care.

Dean wasn't there. Dean was gone.

Panic sparked inside Castiel and he flipped out of bed in a hurry, staggering out into the living room. He pulled his phone off the kitchen bench and dialled Dean's number. Dean's ringtone sounded back in the bedroom and Cas groaned, beginning to pace around the room.

Dean left his phone behind. What if he left? What if he's lying dead in a ditch somewhere?!

_Calm down Cas,_he told himself and sat down on the couch, staring at the door. He bounced his knee nervously and chewed at his lip.

There was a thud from outside and a familiar voice started swearing.

Cas flopped backwards on the couch and laughed at himself for getting so freaked out.

The door opened and in came Dean, shaking his foot, hopping and swearing loudly. "Cas, get off your lazy ass and come pay attention to my pain!" Dean grumbled.

Cas sat up and chuckled. "Where'd you go?" he asked.

Dean scowled. "Dude, I may be dying here," he pointed towards his foot. Then he sighed and walked over to the couch. He shoved Cas over and sat down next to him. "I uh… I went to ask about cats…"

Cas sat upright. "You what?" he half whispered.

Dean smiled and looked down at a pamphlet in his hands. "I thought that maybe…. If you really want one… eventually… we could think about it…"

Cas started bouncing up and down like an excited five year old. "We're getting a cat!?"

If either of them could have chosen a moment in their lives to live over and over like they were in Groundhog Day, it probably would have been that moment. They were both perfectly happy right at that moment. There were no memories of Balthazar or night terrors or rivers, all there was in the world was Dean and Cas and their home. They would have stayed like that forever, of course deep down, both of them knew that things wouldn't stay this perfect. People fight, it's inevitable, but if they tried really, really hard, those fights would be nothing serious. So they clung onto their happiness and began flicking through the pamphlets.

**_The End._**

* * *

**Note: **_I didn't mention it, but Cas still had Night Terrors on days that were stressful, usually sparked when Dean rolled over and bumped into him. Cas would wake Dean up with his flailing, and Dean would hold him down until it passed and they could safely go back to sleep._

**_There you go. A nice, fluffy ending, complete with cats and pancakes._**

I'm actually sad that this is over...

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND REVIEWING! I REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS _ALL_ LIKED IT!


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